I look back at my life and wonder if I ever was in touch with joy. Did I have a carefree childhood of joy? I cannot remember. I don't recall much of my life. I attribute that to my ADHD for I did not really experience any trauma that would be the "go to" reason of memory loss.
My growing up I felt out-of-place, an outsider, someone who did not belong. This has created a behavior of holding back whenever I enter a new environment or situation that involves others. Will I fit in? Will I be safe? Will I be able to belong? This is a survival mechanism.
Such an attitude does not foster joy. As a minority whose mother's family were persecuted during WWII and all who looked Asian were discriminated against and worse created an overarching milleu of keeping our head down and trying not to be noticed, being over polite and to avoid.
So that is one theory of my struggle of not being aware of where my joy is. I have actively worked on activities and situations where I can feel safe, where I can partake in fun and recreation in order to at least generate joy. Such moments were fleeting.
I have worked on giving myself permission to be in joy or at least feel joyful. This has been a struggle and has not been a successful enterprise.
Joy cannot, at least not for me, be magically be felt on command. In fact, any of my emotions cannot be created on command. I do know that I can evoke a deep sense of tenderness when I think of my children but that's about the only emotion I can really get in touch with. Tenderness equals love. I am not sure what equals joy.
I am sometimes feel despair about not having that joy. Other times I don't think about it and just push on. As the days, weeks, months, years go on I get more frustrated and have hopelessness set in when I reflect on this lack, this missing joie de vivre. All I can do is to soldier on and continue to look for openings in my soul where that joy is waiting to come out and show me what a better life I will be having.
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