I have been fortunate in my life to have lovely women who were willing not only to date me but to actually have a romantic relationship with me. However growing up in a predominately white, middle class suburb of New Jersey where our family was the only Japanese American family and one of a handful of other Asians living there made me highly self-conscious about my "otherness." Because of my self consciousness which resulted in being very shy, I did not date. I kept my head down during those school years from elementary school and into graduate school.
If any girl was interested in me I did not notice. I married someone who was the second only person I dated until then.
Now I am single again. I have made stabs at
http://www.womensmediacenter.com/fbomb/what-makes-asian-american-men-undateable
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1536504218812869
This is about my questions on living in the real world while trying to walk that spiritual path. My personal blog, diary, journal, notebook so I can explore my inner and outer life (and hopefully match the two together).
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Syphilis
Syphilis no I mean Sisyphus, but let's start from the beginning....
I cringed when I first heard about Melania Trump's initiative To Be Best, for it not only reeks of the non sequitur pablum that characterizes 45's Administration but it recalls back to my childhood where the entreaty was "to do your best."
I doubly cringe with the memory.I loved my parents. I had a good childhood.
My parents devoted their lives to us, their children. They were involved with our academics where my Mother would go over my Spanish assignments and quiz me on my English vocabulary words, the sports we participated in like track where my Father was the Booster Club treasurer, Cub and Boy Scouts with my Father taking my Patrol hiking and camping as well as assisting me to complete my merit badges, they scrimped and saved so we were able to go to the college of our choice, they even offered to pay for graduate school for any of the three of us, they took us on family vacations and got encyclopedias.
We each had chores to do while growing up. Me cleaning the kitchen floor nightly and all the bathrooms weekly. I hung out the wash. During the Fall we all went out with our dog to rake the leaves and during the winter snow, we all went out with our shovels to clear out the driveway and sidewalk..
My parents did not count the number of "A's" we got, nor the trophies or awards, or not even whether we went out for sports or engage in extracurricular activities. They were lassie faire about what we did and how we did it. All they cared about was for us to "do our best." Of course we had the strong familial and cultural examples of focused, heads down, hard work that reinforced us not slacking off. Our parents demonstrated that by how they lived their lives.
My Mother took in work in order to be a stay-at-home parent. She typed legal documents with her Royal manual typewriter using correction tape and carbon paper. She was one of the first telemarketers who sold magazine subscriptions for the Saturday Evening Post under the pseudonym of Mrs. Miller for who could pronounce or remember the name Hashizume? My Father got his Master's degree in Mechanical Engineering while working full time with a family at home. He worked his way through Rutgers by being a waiter, among other things for a fraternity which he was not a member of.
I found that the bar was always set just out of my reach, not because of my parents but because of me. I could always do better. I could spend that extra couple of hours studying. I could be more clever or smarter. I could think harder. I could try harder. It was a constantly losing proposition for me hence the Sisyphus reference. I felt that I kept pushing that boulder up that hill only to fall back on me.
Eventually I gave up. I got too many "C's" and fell short in the other things I tried to accomplish. I learned to not even start something for I could not be good at it right away. Even though I knew it would take patience and practice to get to that point of competency, I stopped having the desire or drive to put forth the effort. Monty Python has captured what I am trying to do: This is my quest.
This approach severely limited me in activities and interests that I may have enjoyed or been fulfilled by. I was somewhat conscious about that and worked on approaching life with a more relaxed attitude. However I found that I could not overcome the imprint that was put on my child psyche. I have this attitude that I cannot shake, try as I may. I don't have the heart to put forth much effort in any of my endeavors. I go through the motions, whether it is recreational or things that deal with making a living. Of course this is a recipe for failure.
I've been told that I excel in certain things; like deep listening, presence and compassion. I have intelligence and humor. Those are qualities, not activities. I'm better at being rather than doing with these qualities. I have been stumped in how I can apply what I am good at, that I enjoy to something that creates something, that is financially valued, that can be applied to an activity. In the meantime, I am still pushing up the mountain but nowadays they are rocks rather than boulders and the mountain is more like a hill.
I cringed when I first heard about Melania Trump's initiative To Be Best, for it not only reeks of the non sequitur pablum that characterizes 45's Administration but it recalls back to my childhood where the entreaty was "to do your best."
I doubly cringe with the memory.I loved my parents. I had a good childhood.
My parents devoted their lives to us, their children. They were involved with our academics where my Mother would go over my Spanish assignments and quiz me on my English vocabulary words, the sports we participated in like track where my Father was the Booster Club treasurer, Cub and Boy Scouts with my Father taking my Patrol hiking and camping as well as assisting me to complete my merit badges, they scrimped and saved so we were able to go to the college of our choice, they even offered to pay for graduate school for any of the three of us, they took us on family vacations and got encyclopedias.
We each had chores to do while growing up. Me cleaning the kitchen floor nightly and all the bathrooms weekly. I hung out the wash. During the Fall we all went out with our dog to rake the leaves and during the winter snow, we all went out with our shovels to clear out the driveway and sidewalk..
My parents did not count the number of "A's" we got, nor the trophies or awards, or not even whether we went out for sports or engage in extracurricular activities. They were lassie faire about what we did and how we did it. All they cared about was for us to "do our best." Of course we had the strong familial and cultural examples of focused, heads down, hard work that reinforced us not slacking off. Our parents demonstrated that by how they lived their lives.
My Mother took in work in order to be a stay-at-home parent. She typed legal documents with her Royal manual typewriter using correction tape and carbon paper. She was one of the first telemarketers who sold magazine subscriptions for the Saturday Evening Post under the pseudonym of Mrs. Miller for who could pronounce or remember the name Hashizume? My Father got his Master's degree in Mechanical Engineering while working full time with a family at home. He worked his way through Rutgers by being a waiter, among other things for a fraternity which he was not a member of.
I found that the bar was always set just out of my reach, not because of my parents but because of me. I could always do better. I could spend that extra couple of hours studying. I could be more clever or smarter. I could think harder. I could try harder. It was a constantly losing proposition for me hence the Sisyphus reference. I felt that I kept pushing that boulder up that hill only to fall back on me.
Eventually I gave up. I got too many "C's" and fell short in the other things I tried to accomplish. I learned to not even start something for I could not be good at it right away. Even though I knew it would take patience and practice to get to that point of competency, I stopped having the desire or drive to put forth the effort. Monty Python has captured what I am trying to do: This is my quest.
This approach severely limited me in activities and interests that I may have enjoyed or been fulfilled by. I was somewhat conscious about that and worked on approaching life with a more relaxed attitude. However I found that I could not overcome the imprint that was put on my child psyche. I have this attitude that I cannot shake, try as I may. I don't have the heart to put forth much effort in any of my endeavors. I go through the motions, whether it is recreational or things that deal with making a living. Of course this is a recipe for failure.
I've been told that I excel in certain things; like deep listening, presence and compassion. I have intelligence and humor. Those are qualities, not activities. I'm better at being rather than doing with these qualities. I have been stumped in how I can apply what I am good at, that I enjoy to something that creates something, that is financially valued, that can be applied to an activity. In the meantime, I am still pushing up the mountain but nowadays they are rocks rather than boulders and the mountain is more like a hill.
Monday, July 22, 2019
Guys Suck as Friends
There I said it. Guys suck as friends. At least for me. Ironically it was my guy friend who said this as well. Of course I am being deliberately provocative as well as generalizing and stereotyping but I do find that most are that way. Ironically I came from a loving family of two brothers with an intact family of great parents who would do everything for their sons. I wonder what is the thing with me that cannot keep male friends in my middle age and beyond. I find that the men I befriended that they eventually drop out of my life, they usually do it by ghosting. No returned texts or phone calls. No explanation on why. Puzzling ... and rude especially when the last time we have gotten together bore no indication of any issues between us.
In general, I find most men to be more interested in talking rather than listening, to know-it-all and quick to tell me what I should do even though I never ask for their advice. I don't trust such people and am on guard around them. They are not empathetic nor willing to be open.
I seek and connect with those who ask the deep questions, of themselves and of the world around them especially in the spiritual and psychological realms. I cannot relate to those who rather focus on the logical and rational which covers most people which are both men and women but men more so than women. With all of that said, I do have some beautiful male friends in my life. They are spiritual, kind, good listeners.
For me it comes down to trust. While growing up I learned that men tend to judge me more harshly and focus more on results of what I can do rather than who I am. I found that I had to withstand being the target of aggression for being aggressive is a measure of strength. Being raised in a Japanese American family where as a culture, we were not that way. We focused on being cooperative rather than competitive. We focused on getting along and keeping a low profile rather than standing out and being arrogant. We were taciturn. All qualities which males grew up learning to be. This is the cultural norm. These are valued and factors for success. And even my brothers all come from this common family and cultural background, I cannot relate to them from the heart level. I do not trust them for me to be vulnerable with them for they are advice givers, non-listeners and left brain bound.
 |
| My Boston U roommates and I trying to look manly & sophisticated |
So I ponder this from time-to-time because not having a lot of male friends compared to the women in my life, I think there is somewhat of an imbalance. I have given up trying to change myself to be more masculine in that traditional sense. I now focus my attention in accepting who I am and getting in touch that yang energy on my terms. I believe the balance is being assertive rather than aggressive, being confident and proud without being arrogant, and being focused on self improvement rather than being a winner where there is a loser. This is where I want to go.
Check out this funny song about men:
Martin Mull men song
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Music Makes the World Go 'Round
I really admire those who can create music, whether by singing or by playing instruments. Our First World sensibilities gives that away to those "professionals" or at least those who have talent and competence in that area. That concept of music being relegated to a separate group is foreign to indigenous cultures. There is the tradition of percussion playing and chanting in which anyone can do. I believe that we all need to make music for ourselves. This seems such a primal need for us humans. We lost that along the way.
I find listening to music as a great mood shifter. It is not the same as making music since one is passive and the other engages more parts of ourselves, not only physically but in other ways that light up more parts of the brain. Regardless, I find music magic. Nothing like how music transforms me when I am in a down mood or stuck in a place where I cannot figure my way out. What is more magical is enjoying music with people I enjoy being with. I vibe with them vibing with the music and visa versa.
Now what makes this noteworthy for me as oppose to everyone else and their brother who feels the same way? I feel that I have lost touch of my joy (see my July 3, 2019 blog Where is my Joie de Vivre?). I really want to find that "place" within to have me really feel that delight, that energy center of delight. Music seems to be that one enabler that I can look to in assisting me towards that feeling. Not always but more than any other thing in my life. More than sex or photography or bicycling. Being with my children trumps all of that but in general, music is my go-to activity for joy.
I still tear up when listening to a familiar song from my formative years like a James Taylor song of You Can Close Your Eyes for it touches something deep within my soul that I cannot really identify or articulate. My body reveals the truth of my heart. Bittersweet, melancholy, yearning are emotions which are familiar but not frequently felt. I find crying is my body's way of releasing what needs to, what has been held in too tightly.
I loved the light, fun music of such groups as The Monkees, Small Faces, The Mamas and the Papas, The Turtles, Herman's Hermits. Those songs put a smile on my face with some sing along refrains coming out of my mouth.
Great energy generator songs from groups like Led Zepplin, Grand Funk Railroad, The Who made me get out of my head and into my body. Of course the Motown classics a la The Big Chill dancing around the kitchen scene is another class of music that has me wanting to pull people into a dance line with me. Or to be one of the backup singers for Aretha's Respect song. Unabashed joy is hand clapping, foot tapping, percussion driving music for me.
I put together a funeral playlist after being inspired from attending an friend's friend funeral with music. That really moved me. Each song has a link to the YouTube song.
Coming Home - Skylar Grey
You Can Close Your Eyes - James Taylor
Goodbye My Friend – Karla Bonoff
I Think Its Going to Rain Today – Bette Midler
Down So Low – Linda Ronstadt
One Moment More – Mindy Smith
So Far Away – Carole King
I Can't Stand the Rain - Ann Peebles
Feels Like Home – Bonnie Raitt
Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye – Leonard Cohen
Think of Me - The Phantom of the Opera
Bring Him Home - Les Miserables
What'll I Do - Lisa Hannigan
I find listening to music as a great mood shifter. It is not the same as making music since one is passive and the other engages more parts of ourselves, not only physically but in other ways that light up more parts of the brain. Regardless, I find music magic. Nothing like how music transforms me when I am in a down mood or stuck in a place where I cannot figure my way out. What is more magical is enjoying music with people I enjoy being with. I vibe with them vibing with the music and visa versa.
Now what makes this noteworthy for me as oppose to everyone else and their brother who feels the same way? I feel that I have lost touch of my joy (see my July 3, 2019 blog Where is my Joie de Vivre?). I really want to find that "place" within to have me really feel that delight, that energy center of delight. Music seems to be that one enabler that I can look to in assisting me towards that feeling. Not always but more than any other thing in my life. More than sex or photography or bicycling. Being with my children trumps all of that but in general, music is my go-to activity for joy.
I still tear up when listening to a familiar song from my formative years like a James Taylor song of You Can Close Your Eyes for it touches something deep within my soul that I cannot really identify or articulate. My body reveals the truth of my heart. Bittersweet, melancholy, yearning are emotions which are familiar but not frequently felt. I find crying is my body's way of releasing what needs to, what has been held in too tightly.
I loved the light, fun music of such groups as The Monkees, Small Faces, The Mamas and the Papas, The Turtles, Herman's Hermits. Those songs put a smile on my face with some sing along refrains coming out of my mouth.
Great energy generator songs from groups like Led Zepplin, Grand Funk Railroad, The Who made me get out of my head and into my body. Of course the Motown classics a la The Big Chill dancing around the kitchen scene is another class of music that has me wanting to pull people into a dance line with me. Or to be one of the backup singers for Aretha's Respect song. Unabashed joy is hand clapping, foot tapping, percussion driving music for me.
I put together a funeral playlist after being inspired from attending an friend's friend funeral with music. That really moved me. Each song has a link to the YouTube song.
Coming Home - Skylar Grey
Feels Like Home – Bonnie Raitt
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life – Monty Python
It's a Beautiful Morning – The Rascals
Born to be Alive - Patrick Hernandez
What I seek in music is to have it move me, literally and emotionally. I find it difficult to tap into my emotions and this is the avenue I take to do that. I know that being in my head is not the way to get to my Happy Place or Creative Place. From there I look to be part of this World and fully myself.
See the Psychology Today article on how music affects our emotions.
“Keep on knocking
'til the joy inside
opens a window
look to see who's there”
―
Born to be Alive - Patrick Hernandez
What I seek in music is to have it move me, literally and emotionally. I find it difficult to tap into my emotions and this is the avenue I take to do that. I know that being in my head is not the way to get to my Happy Place or Creative Place. From there I look to be part of this World and fully myself.
See the Psychology Today article on how music affects our emotions.
“Keep on knocking
'til the joy inside
opens a window
look to see who's there”
―
Thursday, July 11, 2019
The End is Near
But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life; — The Buried Life, Matthew Arnold, 1852
I have been bumping up this end-of-life reminders.
The Good Life Project podcast had an (clink on this link) interview with Ben Nemtin who, with his teenage friends, asked the question, "What do you want to do before you die?" That started a journey that resulted in a MTV reality show series with them going around the country ticking off their own bucket list but more importantly, they helped those along the way to do the same.
Then I ran across a Netflix movie, About Time which was a light, British time travel movie. The protagonist, a charmingly awkward guy was able to keep traveling back in time for a do-over of the parts of his life. He learned that instead perfecting those moments in his life the secret to life is to appreciate and enjoy each moment while living it. This life lesson of appreciating each and every moment of our time here on Earth is something I always look to embrace.
I grew up being fully aware of my mortality even at a young age. I am not sure where that came from. My parents died while I was in my 30s and they were the only ones that passed who I was close to. When I saw the Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman movie, The Bucket List, I was not inspired to create one of my own. I did not have such a burning desire or probably more likely, daring to dream for myself. I concluded that I did not want to die with regrets and that right now in my life, I did the best I can to live a good life. Trips or experiences did not call to me to make me happy or happier.
I did yearn to fulfill my Life's Purpose though I did not know what that is. I wonder it was because I was scared to admit it, for then I had to go and live it. This has been my lifelong struggle. Ever since my childhood, I looked for what I should be doing in my life. I remember asking my Father that question when I was 12. He told me to be an archeologist which was totally out of left field for I never showed any interest in anything like that. I asked why, he said you can work outside and be your own boss. I later realized it was his dream.
I have spent thousands of dollars, months of workshops and classes, answered thousands of questions on interest/personality tests, used psychics among a myriad of other approaches in order to get some sort of idea for the direction for my life. I know that "the answer lies from within" but I could not access that. It was and still is highly frustrating. I use to think that my one regret would be dying before I was living my life's purpose.
I tried to reorient my point of view by telling myself that I AM living my life's purpose. But the thing was that I did not feel any joy or satisfaction living with that assertion. So I focused on getting in touch with my joy and being satisfied with my life. And here is where I am now. I write my daily gratitudes. I live as mindfully as I can, appreciating the moments in my life. I am working with my Body Talk energy practitioner to release any blockages to feel joy. I look for activities that I enjoy. I work on being OK with whatever happiness I do feel however I do not equate happiness with joy.
I am a work-in-progress. I am healthy, have wonderful friends and family, and have some financial wherewithal so I do have hope that I have time to get to that place of being in joy while fulfilling that thing that I am meant to do on this Earth.
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life; — The Buried Life, Matthew Arnold, 1852
I have been bumping up this end-of-life reminders.
Then I ran across a Netflix movie, About Time which was a light, British time travel movie. The protagonist, a charmingly awkward guy was able to keep traveling back in time for a do-over of the parts of his life. He learned that instead perfecting those moments in his life the secret to life is to appreciate and enjoy each moment while living it. This life lesson of appreciating each and every moment of our time here on Earth is something I always look to embrace.
I grew up being fully aware of my mortality even at a young age. I am not sure where that came from. My parents died while I was in my 30s and they were the only ones that passed who I was close to. When I saw the Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman movie, The Bucket List, I was not inspired to create one of my own. I did not have such a burning desire or probably more likely, daring to dream for myself. I concluded that I did not want to die with regrets and that right now in my life, I did the best I can to live a good life. Trips or experiences did not call to me to make me happy or happier.
I did yearn to fulfill my Life's Purpose though I did not know what that is. I wonder it was because I was scared to admit it, for then I had to go and live it. This has been my lifelong struggle. Ever since my childhood, I looked for what I should be doing in my life. I remember asking my Father that question when I was 12. He told me to be an archeologist which was totally out of left field for I never showed any interest in anything like that. I asked why, he said you can work outside and be your own boss. I later realized it was his dream.
I have spent thousands of dollars, months of workshops and classes, answered thousands of questions on interest/personality tests, used psychics among a myriad of other approaches in order to get some sort of idea for the direction for my life. I know that "the answer lies from within" but I could not access that. It was and still is highly frustrating. I use to think that my one regret would be dying before I was living my life's purpose.
I tried to reorient my point of view by telling myself that I AM living my life's purpose. But the thing was that I did not feel any joy or satisfaction living with that assertion. So I focused on getting in touch with my joy and being satisfied with my life. And here is where I am now. I write my daily gratitudes. I live as mindfully as I can, appreciating the moments in my life. I am working with my Body Talk energy practitioner to release any blockages to feel joy. I look for activities that I enjoy. I work on being OK with whatever happiness I do feel however I do not equate happiness with joy.
I am a work-in-progress. I am healthy, have wonderful friends and family, and have some financial wherewithal so I do have hope that I have time to get to that place of being in joy while fulfilling that thing that I am meant to do on this Earth.
Saturday, July 6, 2019
Walking back from running away
Today I decided to get out of myself. What I mean is that I felt safe enough not to indulge in my self, not to be selfish. The title of my post means that I have ran away from my past relationship in order to protect myself. Now I have came back to a certain degree.
When I heard The Good Life Project podcast What Do You Want To Do Before You Die? I realized how life sucking depression is and how I could help make a small difference by offering my presence to the one I was once intimately connected to. Ben Nemtin who was interviewed in the podcast, inspired me to reach out to Kate right after hearing this. I was grateful that I was able to leave behind my hurt and my sense of not-good-enough. I was genuinely able offer my support. I really surprised myself doing that for I did not have any painful tug when I talked to her.
I look to my desire is to be of service to others. I know that I am not the one like those going out to the street to feed the homeless or basically anything that will "inconvenience" me to help others. I am honest about that for I know that about myself. I have done things to help others by going through the motions and realized that I was not really helping them nor I was really not helping myself.
This podcast reinforced my desire to be in service but also it reinforced my motivation. Ben's endeavor highlighted that where he and his friends went on this road trip to fulfill their bucket list but it was essential that they helped others along the way. They got to feed their joy as well as be in service to others. A win-win. I was glad that Kate received my offer with joyful relief and acceptance. She knew that there were no strings attached. This reinforced to me that the continual personal work I have done for myself, on myself to be authentic shows through to others. This is another "win" for me as well.
I love how I get inspired and it has this ripple effect. Ben Nemtin and his friends has demonstrated that in spades with all they have done. I hope this continues to build within me so that I can have the courage and wherewithal to make my inspirations into reality.
When I heard The Good Life Project podcast What Do You Want To Do Before You Die? I realized how life sucking depression is and how I could help make a small difference by offering my presence to the one I was once intimately connected to. Ben Nemtin who was interviewed in the podcast, inspired me to reach out to Kate right after hearing this. I was grateful that I was able to leave behind my hurt and my sense of not-good-enough. I was genuinely able offer my support. I really surprised myself doing that for I did not have any painful tug when I talked to her.
I look to my desire is to be of service to others. I know that I am not the one like those going out to the street to feed the homeless or basically anything that will "inconvenience" me to help others. I am honest about that for I know that about myself. I have done things to help others by going through the motions and realized that I was not really helping them nor I was really not helping myself.
This podcast reinforced my desire to be in service but also it reinforced my motivation. Ben's endeavor highlighted that where he and his friends went on this road trip to fulfill their bucket list but it was essential that they helped others along the way. They got to feed their joy as well as be in service to others. A win-win. I was glad that Kate received my offer with joyful relief and acceptance. She knew that there were no strings attached. This reinforced to me that the continual personal work I have done for myself, on myself to be authentic shows through to others. This is another "win" for me as well.
I love how I get inspired and it has this ripple effect. Ben Nemtin and his friends has demonstrated that in spades with all they have done. I hope this continues to build within me so that I can have the courage and wherewithal to make my inspirations into reality.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Where is my Joie de Vivre?
I wonder if I ever am able to find my joy, to uncover it, to recognize it. I see that this is the underlying key of my life. This is the fuel that will motivate me to create a vision for myself, to take action towards it, to be able to keep going despite the frustrations and setbacks.
I look back at my life and wonder if I ever was in touch with joy. Did I have a carefree childhood of joy? I cannot remember. I don't recall much of my life. I attribute that to my ADHD for I did not really experience any trauma that would be the "go to" reason of memory loss.
My growing up I felt out-of-place, an outsider, someone who did not belong. This has created a behavior of holding back whenever I enter a new environment or situation that involves others. Will I fit in? Will I be safe? Will I be able to belong? This is a survival mechanism.
Such an attitude does not foster joy. As a minority whose mother's family were persecuted during WWII and all who looked Asian were discriminated against and worse created an overarching milleu of keeping our head down and trying not to be noticed, being over polite and to avoid.
So that is one theory of my struggle of not being aware of where my joy is. I have actively worked on activities and situations where I can feel safe, where I can partake in fun and recreation in order to at least generate joy. Such moments were fleeting.
I have worked on giving myself permission to be in joy or at least feel joyful. This has been a struggle and has not been a successful enterprise.
Joy cannot, at least not for me, be magically be felt on command. In fact, any of my emotions cannot be created on command. I do know that I can evoke a deep sense of tenderness when I think of my children but that's about the only emotion I can really get in touch with. Tenderness equals love. I am not sure what equals joy.
I am sometimes feel despair about not having that joy. Other times I don't think about it and just push on. As the days, weeks, months, years go on I get more frustrated and have hopelessness set in when I reflect on this lack, this missing joie de vivre. All I can do is to soldier on and continue to look for openings in my soul where that joy is waiting to come out and show me what a better life I will be having.
I look back at my life and wonder if I ever was in touch with joy. Did I have a carefree childhood of joy? I cannot remember. I don't recall much of my life. I attribute that to my ADHD for I did not really experience any trauma that would be the "go to" reason of memory loss.
My growing up I felt out-of-place, an outsider, someone who did not belong. This has created a behavior of holding back whenever I enter a new environment or situation that involves others. Will I fit in? Will I be safe? Will I be able to belong? This is a survival mechanism.
Such an attitude does not foster joy. As a minority whose mother's family were persecuted during WWII and all who looked Asian were discriminated against and worse created an overarching milleu of keeping our head down and trying not to be noticed, being over polite and to avoid.
So that is one theory of my struggle of not being aware of where my joy is. I have actively worked on activities and situations where I can feel safe, where I can partake in fun and recreation in order to at least generate joy. Such moments were fleeting.
I have worked on giving myself permission to be in joy or at least feel joyful. This has been a struggle and has not been a successful enterprise.
Joy cannot, at least not for me, be magically be felt on command. In fact, any of my emotions cannot be created on command. I do know that I can evoke a deep sense of tenderness when I think of my children but that's about the only emotion I can really get in touch with. Tenderness equals love. I am not sure what equals joy.
I am sometimes feel despair about not having that joy. Other times I don't think about it and just push on. As the days, weeks, months, years go on I get more frustrated and have hopelessness set in when I reflect on this lack, this missing joie de vivre. All I can do is to soldier on and continue to look for openings in my soul where that joy is waiting to come out and show me what a better life I will be having.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Starting again - New blog
Today I am restarting my blog (yet again) by the encouragement/suggestion of my beautiful (spiritually, physically, heart-wise) friend Lee. It just makes sense.
I really hate to keep feeling (and declaring) that I am struggling (see my previous post about being a Seeker). I want to focus on what is working for me. I do that on my Facebook posts of gratitude but it seems that it is not enough so maybe this blogging will fill that void.
I look around and feel the love of my children and experience the outreach of those friends in my life. I am continue to be surprised to hear and read how loved I am from those who know me. I don't dismiss that. I accept that praise, the beauty of their love and glow upon me. Do I really, I mean REALLY take that in? I think I do but there is that doubt that I 100% fully do just because I still get surprised whenever I get the adulation, the acceptance from those around me.
Do I discount that because of the negative work experience and feedback? Do I discount that because of my previous romantic relationships that have parted company from me?
This may be overthinking it or it may be getting in touch with the nub of this. I find it frustrating that I am not in touch with myself enough to discern "the truth" of my experience. I wish I had a better, discerning internal compass so I can trust myself and trust my path.
I believe the key to my life is getting in touch with my Joy. I really don't think I have ever done that in my life. I have worked with my wonderful BodyTalk practitioner Sid Snider on this. I have done Heather (now Christian) Strang's classes on this. I have work on this in different ways for decades through classes, gurus/practitioners/energy workers/psychics/coaches and workshops (conventional and "woo-woo" ones) as well as saying "YES!" to opportunities and invitations in my life.
As per suggestion by Lee Huntington, I am writing again. I see this is yet another possibility, an avenue to get in the "flow" and find my heart.
My brother Todd Davis suggested a la Abraham (Hicks) to ask the Universe for that, allow and see what happens after 24 hours.
I continue to be hopeful (more or less) and eternally grateful for those in my life who care for me and my well being.
Metta (loving kindness),
Mark
I really hate to keep feeling (and declaring) that I am struggling (see my previous post about being a Seeker). I want to focus on what is working for me. I do that on my Facebook posts of gratitude but it seems that it is not enough so maybe this blogging will fill that void.
I look around and feel the love of my children and experience the outreach of those friends in my life. I am continue to be surprised to hear and read how loved I am from those who know me. I don't dismiss that. I accept that praise, the beauty of their love and glow upon me. Do I really, I mean REALLY take that in? I think I do but there is that doubt that I 100% fully do just because I still get surprised whenever I get the adulation, the acceptance from those around me.
Do I discount that because of the negative work experience and feedback? Do I discount that because of my previous romantic relationships that have parted company from me?
This may be overthinking it or it may be getting in touch with the nub of this. I find it frustrating that I am not in touch with myself enough to discern "the truth" of my experience. I wish I had a better, discerning internal compass so I can trust myself and trust my path.
I believe the key to my life is getting in touch with my Joy. I really don't think I have ever done that in my life. I have worked with my wonderful BodyTalk practitioner Sid Snider on this. I have done Heather (now Christian) Strang's classes on this. I have work on this in different ways for decades through classes, gurus/practitioners/energy workers/psychics/coaches and workshops (conventional and "woo-woo" ones) as well as saying "YES!" to opportunities and invitations in my life.
As per suggestion by Lee Huntington, I am writing again. I see this is yet another possibility, an avenue to get in the "flow" and find my heart.
My brother Todd Davis suggested a la Abraham (Hicks) to ask the Universe for that, allow and see what happens after 24 hours.
I continue to be hopeful (more or less) and eternally grateful for those in my life who care for me and my well being.
Metta (loving kindness),
Mark
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