I am an intensely needy person.

I am an intensely needy person.  I think that is why my close male friends are scared away.  I realize that as I reflect about those people in my own life whom I feel are wanting to release their fears and tribulations on me.  My presence encourages those around me to release their pain and troubles.  I both feel honored and irritated by that.  I realize that I too would withdraw from their life.  I would distance my self from their neediness.

I wonder if my former guy friends felt that about me? I wonder my need to connect deeply and share myself with another guy scared them away?  I wonder my desire to spend time, to be pals and have real guy time that is safe and fun scared them away? I wonder if they sense that neediness of mine to connect deeply with another guy scared them away?

If this is true then it only came to me just now.  An aha. I crave deep and trusting connection with another. Maybe I do latch on someone when I think that s/he is someone I can do that.  And if so, then I can understand I would drive people away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj4Yu9Utdw0

My axiom is that relationships are self selecting, I.e. if it doesn’t work out then there is a good reason why.  I have lost several guy friends.  Friends whom I’ve had a bromance with.  Guys whom I felt safe with and had fun with.  These are the men who ghosted me, who walked away without a goodbye.  Three close male friends dropped off the map in my life.  I mourn that. I am pained by that.  I see that the common denominator is me. So here I am trying to figure out the “why” of that.

Interesting that I come from a family of two brothers and a father but needing to draw around this male energy I felt I have lacked in my life.  I attribute that to my mother was the alpha to the men in my family.

I am open to own my neediness.  I will ponder this.  I will be more mindful in connecting with my own self more, connecting with my own maleness, my own yang, my own masculinity rather than trying to source that from another guy.

Accepting my spiritual journey

I just wrote an email to my former partner who could not accept my spiritual path and practices.
This both dismayed me and puzzled me for my practices are simple, fairly conventional and non-threatening... or so I thought.

I tell people that my spirituality is what the Dalai Lama says, "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."  My practice is kindness, being in the present moment, integrity and authenticity.

What was not understood was that I strayed from conventional medicine and logic by spending money with a psychic healer and an energy Body Talk worker.

Was this a red flag on my sanity? my gullibility?  my intelligence?  my common sense?  Perhaps, though I do feel that I am pretty grounded on all of those areas.  I point to this fascinating documentary of this "false prophet" who fooled people to follow him despite he telling them not to.
 
I tell people that my spiritual journey is driven by desperation. I seek out the woo-woo because the logical, the pushing hard toward goals was not working for me.  I look in skeptical askance, do some due diligence in testimonial proofs, but at the end of the day it's a leap of faith for me.  But then again, it's that way when I do the logical thing as well.

All this has brought about being viewed as  someone whose life and views on life cannot be trusted.

This pains me for, I work hard on being transparent with my vulnerabilities and open questions about myself known to all whom I share my life with.  Even though I know the risks of being judged and not being trusted as someone who knows how to live their life "well," I open my kimono anyway. I can only be who I am and hiding that does not serve me for I tried that before and did not serve me.  I lived another person's life that way.  This is my practice to live in integrity.

Even though I am not for everyone, it does give me pain to not be accepted by people whom I have felt a heart connection with.  Therein lies the paradox of friendship and what that truly means.  I view those people who I feel are close to me are people who accept the core aspects of me as I do with them.  They understand me or at least trust me enough to accept me without negative judgment.  I believe understanding begets acceptance and it is harder to accept something or someone without having an understanding.

I don't understand this journey myself.  I have made leaps of faith and cannot explain why.  It comforts me that those around me accept who I am despite or because of how live my life.  It pains me to have those who I care for, love, or respect that do not accept this aspect of my life.

I relate to what this author has said here in an article on what she got out of Ram Dass' teachings:
Most spiritual seekers have tried it all. Yoga, meditation, energy healing, psychic readings, shamanic work, plant medicine, to name just a few. These are wonderful tools, mind you. Practices we can utilize to bring us into deeper presence with ourself and our world.
We do need to practice. But, at the end of our lives, all we truly have is our inner awareness and ability to connect to that. We may seek external means to do so, until one day, we realize the heart of the matter is within us. As we connect to the sacred heart, the sacred matter that holds and loves us infinitely beyond the point of our own passing, we more fully know who and what we are, and where we come from.

I continue to practice connecting to my heart, sometime using tools that may not work and look foolish, but my goal remains that I get into my joy and my life's purpose.

Reflections on Communication, Integrity, and Reliability

I reached out to a former BFF guy friend of several years who ghosted me about 3 or so years ago.  The reason why I reached out now was because we both RSVP'ed for the same Christmas party and I did not want to be awkward.

I used the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication model of identifying my needs and the negative emotions that came out of those unmet needs with the behavior specific request.  My needs of respect, acknowledgment, and consideration were not met when J stopped responding to my texts and voice mails.  I told him that I felt confused, hurt and angry from those unmet needs.  I requested that he acknowledge his part in this stoppage of communication.  I requested closure. I was not so much looking for his reasons for ending our relationship but more of him informing me that he no longer wanted to be my friend and that he is stopping any more communication with me.

I have learned that more often than not, I have experienced people rather just stop returning my texts, emails and phone calls without telling me why.  This behavior baffles me.  My view of people that I have met is that they theoretically adhere to the Golden Rule.  I brought that up with J who thinks of himself as a moral, honest, kind man who is courteous to people around him.  How would you like it if a friend of several years with whom we have been vulnerable with each other and shared hard and joyful experiences together suddenly drops out of your life without explanation?



I see this from more than one person who has entered and exited from my life.  It pains me.  Sure I deal with it by saying to myself that they don't want to deal with difficult emotions or explain them.  I can see that almost everyone I meet are prone to avoid confrontation which shows itself to passive-aggressiveness and lack of integrity.  I try to deal with my pain and anger by employing spiritual solutions of letting go of expectations for respect and an attachment to people behaving a certain way.  I know the Buddhist view of why we suffer is because of we don't acknowledge the impermanence of things, like friendships.

I also experience people telling me that they will do something, e.g. call me back, do something for me, or follow up on something but they never do.  I come to expect this kind of untruth.  They may have the best of intentions but, well you know the saying about the path to hell.  This is another learning for being attached.  I believe that there is a Twelve Step saying that "expectations are pre-meditated resentments."  It is easier to not believe the promiser in these instances of them telling me that they will do something for or with me.

I define Integrity as practicing your moral values.  I value honesty.  I value that when I tell people I will do something then they can trust me that I will.  I value being reliable, for myself and for others.  I only set goals for myself if I know that I will work on achieving them and have a reasonable chance that I will.  This is being reliable to myself.

This values of being honest and reliable along with communicating with clarity, honesty and compassion are very important to me because connecting with people and developing close relationships are important to me.  I keep being reminded that we are all different, that people have different beliefs and different values and different ways of behaving.  I am reminded that most people do not have the wherewithal to actually live with integrity.  Moral convenience and avoidance of adherence to core values can be difficult and easier to not live that way.

I do not claim to be the paragon of virtue and I can readily admit to my shortcomings and lack of consistency in living according to my core values.  I do know that this is very important to my day-to-day way of living and it still pains me that to expect this in most people who I meet.

Post Op Lessons Learned

There is an African saying “The blessing is next to the wound.”

I am now able to step back from my bowel obstruction surgery which took 9 days of hospitalization and look at the blessings from it.

I got to see my children and their partners all together on my first day of hospitalization.  We rarely get together all at once and this got to be a time we did.

I got to really experience and take in the deep love and caring from my children.  I tend to discount myself as someone who makes a positive difference in people's lives.  I look at myself as someone who can always do better, especially as a father.  I really felt in a deep emotional way that I am truly cared for, valued and loved by my children.

My surgery in this particular area of my body seemed to be a metaphor for what is blocked in my life.  I think the First/Root Chakra is associated with my blocked colon.  This chakra is associated with survival, stability, acceptance, grounding, fear, safety.  I suspect that acceptance is the key aspect that was blocked.  Now that I am recovering, I do hope that not only physical my life energy is back flowing but also having my self acceptance energy there as well.

My Second/Sacral Chakra could be the chakra that is associated with my colon.  I have been working on freeing this chakra for it is associated with creativity, passion, sexual energy.  I have felt that I have lacked passion in my life.  I don't have a dream or a drive to do something that excites me for I have no real excitement aka passion.  I think this is the underlying issue that is holding me back in my work and personal life, or just life in general.  Hopefully this operation will also let loose this passion energy so I can have a life of passion.

The outpouring of love and support from my friends shocked me.  Again, I guess I thought little of my "footprint" in this world and even though I cared for my friends, I did not expect such caring back.  I heard from those I had not had much communication before.

I have learned that even in when I was in this seemingly never ending cycle of pain and relief, pain and relief I was cared for by strangers.  This was not just dispassionate, clinical, perfunctory care.  This was care from people who did not see me as one of a string of other sick and recovering patients but as a fellow human who was in pain and needed their care. These people who connected with me as another person who also had feelings, who shared their humor as well as their professional skilled care.  I learned that the world can be/is a friendly place.  These caregivers were shining lights and examples for me to show me how I can treat strangers as if they weren't but as connected human beings with feelings.

Perhaps this unblocking Root Chakra acceptance energy has showed up as well?  Regardless, the blessing of such demonstrations of caring through words, deed (offers of meals and errand running and anything else), and even money were unexpected positives from this most physical painful experience in my life.

I am so humbled and grateful to have these people in my life.

Blind Boys of Alabama - I Shall Not Walk Alone

I am sure that I will continue to gain wisdom and insight from this experience of hospitalization and recovery afterwards.  I now look at my new touchstone of self-acceptance as a means to help me navigate my life.

I still have this sense of stuckness for my job/career/means of living.  However I embrace this new faith in life, in the Universe, in myself.  Hell, what can be more powerful than painful colon surgery to give me the message of acceptance; for myself, for my life?

My Hospitalization Costs

I keep hearing about the state of affairs of our United States healthcare.

I got to experience it first hand from my 9 day stay in the hospital for my blocked colon surgery this past October.

I just got the bill.  From the looks of it, it covers all my expenses during my stay at Providence St. Vincent Medical Center/Hospital.

The list is quite extensive and frankly amazing.

• Semi-private room: $1,918/day -> $17,262 total
• Pharmacy: $15,208.41 (includes pain medication, electrolytes, IV nutrition, etc.)
• Anesthesia: $1,156
• Emergency Room: $2,162
• Laboratory: $1,844
• Operating Room: $9,269
• Medical/Surgical Supplies and Devices: $442 (catheter)
• Professional Fees: $780 (Emergency Room)
• Recovery Room: $569
• Treatment or Observation Room: $657

Total: $53,505.41

Insurance coverage: $51,705.41

Patient balance: $1,800 due at the end of November, this month.

They offer a no interest payment plan which I intend to take advantage of.

Thank God that I do not have to resort to GoFundMe to help me cover my expenses for 1 in 3 are for such a reason.  This is the state of healthcare in this country.

November 10 addendum
Anesthesiology: $1,599
Insurance coverage: $1,190.02
Patient balance: $74.37

December 05 added YouTube video on sharing how much it costs for US healthcare with Brits
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kll-yYQwmuM&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR1dmSUBi94PSytKy8Pk0MMjyjG8VHwcnEEt-RlVu9g9e2MPBShbjCSjfcg 

What Does It Mean?

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no?
Doesn't that make life a story?”

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

I look for meaning in my life.  I also look for the meaning of the events that happen in my life.  I think this is a very human thing.  Looking up if there is a field of psychology about this, I found that semiotics is the broad area where this falls into.

When I had my bowel obstruction surgery, the doctor told me that the intestine has it own nervous system.  I knew that from my Body Talk knowledge.  I later found out it is called the Enteric nervous system.  The scientists call this our Second Brain. It is known that this controls our emotions.

The one and only other time I was in the hospital was when I was around 12 years old for, coincidentally enough, a stomach problem.  I had similar very sharp pains in my gut which landed me in the hospital.  My dad feared it was an appendicitis attack.  He lost his older brother from a blotched appendectomy so this brought back horrific memories for him.  I had to stay around 2-3 days under observation but they could not diagnose the issue or so my dad told me.

I wonder this history of abdominal issues (there were other, more minor instances of intestinal pain and disturbances throughout my life) that culminated to the most painful time in my life were signals to me to pay attention to this gut wisdom.

I knew about this source of intelligence and have tried to access that in the past multiple times and having taken several classes to assist me but to no avail.

I believe that my physical maladies are messages from my body to pay attention to the wisdom it has for me.  The frustrating part is that I have tried for years.  I am at loss on what I can do.  This painful time of my bowel being obstructed.

So maybe this surgery was the "fix" for me to access my gut intelligence now.  Maybe this opened up the energy channels so I can be more intuitive.  If I had to make up the lesson for this traumatic time that put me painfully out of commission, then for now, I'm positing this as the reason this happened to me.

Put on a Happy Face

[click here] Put on a Happy Face

I have struggled most of my life in being in that place of joy, happiness or even satisfaction.  I know that this is a First World dilemma but dammit I was born in one, to a middle class family who loved me, and got a first class education all the up to two graduate schools.  I refuse to buy into the "be thankful for what you have because there are starving children in India."  First of all, my Indian friend told me that his mother told him the same except she used the United States starving children as the exhortation.  Second, I am not a starving child.  I am me.  I am living my life, not someone else's.

The Secret popularized the technique of manifesting what we desire just be "raising our vibration" and visualizing it.  The vibration is our joy.  The spirit channel Esther Hicks is someone who also popularizes this notion of attracting good fortune from being happy.

Now I am the last person to dis the notion of wanting to be happy however to focus on that one emotion and being made guilty that I am attaining my highest spiritual aspirations by not being in that highest vibrational nirvana does not work for me.  I see that as a one dimensional approach to living.  We have a range of emotions that are not positive, that are not high frequency.  And sure, I do believe that we benefit by hanging out the joy place more so than the depressive place of life.

I struggle with this. I do want to be happy most of the time.  It's not working. I believe it is in part that I have not honored my shadow emotions enough which, in turn will give my being a sense of the range of what I can feel.  In other words, I need to fully experience and be in a place of sadness in order to feel happiness.

I grew up in a family whose focus was not to be happy per se.  My parents worked hard to create economic security and also to raise their sons by giving us opportunities to better ourselves.  We were serious in making our way through life.  That meant doing a good job; whether in school, at a job, our chores.  Happiness seemed like a luxury that was not even in our vocabulary.

I love to watch those movies where they burst out with song and dance, where the guy dances with his umbrella down the street in the pouring rain, where they dance out chopsticks on a toy floor piano keyboard, or those movies where the character has this unwavering optimism.  Those characters I envy.  There is no worrying or doubting the rightness of their lives.

I have read about the studies that in order to be happy, one must have gratitude, have strong social connections, that there is a happiness set point we are born with, and finding that activity that you can lose a sense of time in, i.e. that creative effort.

Then there is that other factor of accomplishing something that is meaningful to oneself.  I only recently realized in this past decade or so.  I see that even though a meaningful life does not directly equate to a happy life they are tied together.  Having meaning gives depth to happiness.  This is low resonance high vibrational living.

So sure, let's be happy together for I believe joy begets joy.  I love to be around happy people. What I want more is that I will live a life of happiness that feeds my soul, that expresses it.  And it's the other way around isn't it?  If I express my soul then I can live a life of happiness, of meaning?  Rather than dwelling on this chicken or egg enigma, [Edwin Hawkins Singers]I will continue to move forward in both realms. I will work on singing or at least listening to music as well as dancing, or in my case thrashing wildly with abandon.  I will look for ways of expressing my soul through deep, heart-centered connections with compassion and authenticity.

Guilt Tripping

Or is it shame?
[click on this link] Evelyn 'Champagne' King - Shame

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary:  a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

My definition is that It is unintentionally and usually publicly doing the wrong thing though carelessness and/or by not being mindful.  I have peed in public because I could not hold it any longer and did not want to wet my  pants.  I have lost my glasses that I was wearing without remembering how by drinking too much.  I recently got fired from the lowest wage job I ever had since I was a teenager by some egregious dereliction of duty.

[click on this link] Bene' Brown has talked and written extensively about shame.  However she identifies Shame's origins are Never good enough and Who do you think you are?  Her theme seems like that shame is the result of trying and failing at something.  She makes a distinction between Guilt vs. Shame.  Shame is "I am bad."  Guilt comes from behavior, " I did something bad."

So perhaps I am more feeling guilt than shame. Regardless such events in my life triggers a sense of shame for aren't our actions are a manifestation of who we are?  Such feelings and thoughts show me that self-love is still a work in progress.  There are those who think that shame or guilt are good things to feel for they are our internal moral police to keep us on the straight and narrow.  If we did not have a strong moral compass then would we not feel the shame or guilt?

My desire is never to feel such emotions for I want to be that person who has integrity, i.e. have my behavior align with my values.  Even for my bio mishaps, I want to be able to be more compassionate and accepting that I am human.  So maybe to feel shame and guilt are just signals to myself to remind me to be more compassionate with myself?  For some people, when they struggle or fail in relationships then that's their signal that they need to work on self-love.

For me, it is allowing me to be human.  That even though "I should know better" or I could have tried harder, I still fail and in that failure brings shame.  It is more shame than guilt for me.  Yes I beat myself up for poor judgment, i.e. I should have known better.  Yes I beat myself up for not trying hard enough or been more careful.  All those feelings come from a place of expectation of perfection.  I don't hold other people to such standards then why should I do so for myself?

So all roads lead to loving myself, to not pass negative judgment on myself, to be lovingly compassionate with myself, and to give myself grace.  The metaphor of being a child of God is a good image to help remind myself to do all that.

Where is the Love?

[click on this link] Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway's version

I read somewhere we only come from two places in our behavior; love or fear.
From my reading about Near Death Experiences that one of the common takeaways from those who come back from the dead is that our sole purpose and focus in our life is to love.
The other thing that sticks with me about this subject is the only thing I remember from Neale Donald Walsch's book, "Conversations With God" (which came out in 1999?) was that our purpose in life is to remember our own perfection.  In other words, basically it does come down to love.

Now, that's all well in good but Love, with a capital "L" is a BIG concept and subject to wide interpretation (in my humble opinion).  The Greek language has 6 words for love.  So why the hell am I writing about this abstract concept?  It is because I want to get clarity on how I can best live my life.  I want to live.  I want to live fully and deeply.  I see the path to this goal is to be In Love.  Not the romantic, gooey, stars in my eyes kind of In Love but fully incorporate Love within my entire being and live from there.  But first, I need to determine what the hell is that.

So this blog is my stab in exploring what that means, not in "concept" but in practice, in guidelines, in principle, in vision, in something that I can point to in order to live by.

Right now, I believe that this abstract concept of Love with a capital "L" is compassion.  Compassion to me is allowing the other to be who they are without negative judgement or at least with some understanding on the "why" of the behavior.  I do this with my dog when he does something that gets me angry.  I work on doing this even with Donald Trump by reminding myself that he is a lost soul coming from fear and pain which results in anger.  I am pained that people like him that spread pain, fear, and harm to those around him.  Still this is my challenge, my spiritual journey.  I believe if I can truly love all then I have peace.

I ran across this haunting and amazing [click on this link] choir song that captures the essence of the struggle of Love-ing.  I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining.  I believe in love even when I don’t feel it.  I believe in God even when He is silent.

Of course, love starts for our own selves first. [click on this link]  Keb Mo' You Can Love Yourself  Another word for Love is Acceptance.  Accepting myself is Love to me.  I have this view of who I am that I can always do better.  There is a difference between who I am and what I do.  However for most, those two are intertwined if not being the same thing.  I do not dwell on whether I'm "good enough."  I focus on being "OK" with who I am.  I focus on getting to that place within which is Peace.

Love is a verb.  Love is a process.  Love is an attitude.  Love is a state of being.

I have people around me who practice that.  Love begets love.  I am blessed that I have such support and circle of friends and family who reinforces on what Love means.  I believe that who I attract in my life is an indicator of my spiritual health.  I'm on my way.

I'm putting the Suck into Success

Success
I wonder about that, this success thing.  This is what we all been exhorted to seek, to achieve, to be admired for.  This is supposedly what is our purpose in life to become.  This is what people eulogize when we are gone.  The slippery thing about it though is that we can damn well define it any way we want.  It's like painting the bullseye around the already shot arrow.

Success is something we measure, quantify, qualitatively define.  This is society's metric for a life well lived.  This is what should drive us.  This is what we should be setting our goals for.  This is the destination for our journey.

I have struggled mightily to look at how my life is with this success thing.  Yes, I can self-justify and rationalize that my life is successful by virture of how my amazing children are.  I don't buy that.  That implies that their mother, their teachers, their friends and many others had no hand in them becoming who they are.  Plus not to mention their own beautiful personality, character, and intelligence that helped make them who they are.  No, my children are not is something that I call a success of my own though I do take credit in my part in their lives.

I look around me, toward my friends.  I see those who are following their heart, their own path. A lot of them don't have college degrees. Those who have them aren't working in the field of their major.

R is a book store clerk and was a Union organizer.  A was a long time massage therapist, now a food blogger.  C was in sales and now an author and a teacher.  C has her own adult care business with a side hustle of alternative farming.  T is an international traveler with a doctorate is a trainer, teacher, and consultant who practices her talents to various schools and agencies.  M has a Master's in Organizational Development who worked for Intel for almost a score and is now on a journey of self actualization and discovery while living in Madrid.  M has a Master's in psychology and counseling and he has his own business in organizing other people's spaces  A has her own spiritual products store and a singer.  M is a retired business owner whose business helped children who have struggled getting a traditional high school education.  L has been focused on being a great mother and trying to find her way to financially sustain herself now.  J has a dog walking business who also is an artist/painter.  S was working for a print shop and now is focused on her health.  B is a therapist who has done that for over twenty years. F is a customer service rep for a large utility company but her true love is her art.  For the most part, what they are doing is not easy financially for them. There are others but I see this pattern of those in my life who are struggling to live their lives with integrity and happiness.


I wonder if they consider themselves a success?   What about me?  For someone who hated school since grammar school, I have two Master's degrees.  I find that highly ironic.  I am someone who has not been able to hold onto a job my entire life for more than 3 years.  That is another irony for I wanted to follow in my Father's footsteps by staying in one company until I could retire.  He did that but at a price.  He absolutely hated his Government job and soon after he retired, he died.  I am someone who is still looking for what truly brings me joy. I was a janitor in my 40s.  I did so with the chagrin of knowing how my parents worked hard and gave such a stellar education so I could live a better life than them. Right now I am a security guard walking the beat three times a day, 8 miles a day.  And no, this is not my dream job. I am not ashamed of this but I know this is not what I am meant to do on this planet.

Should I even go along with society and measure myself against the yardstick of success? https://longreads.com/2019/09/06/the-myth-of-making-it/?utm_source=pocket-newtab If I don't then that would another chicken shit way of avoiding  failure? My short answer is "no" I rather not use this descriptor as who I am.  However I do dwell on how I can make the world a better place.  What the f**k does that mean or look like?  For me, it means being able to help people help themselves.  This is what I have honed in on what my Life's Purpose looks like  Can this be measured?  Quantified? Unlikely.

I am rejecting this descriptor, this measure of a man for myself.  Rather I would rather work on how I can practice being a more compassionate human who leverages my talents in helping those around me to help themselves, to heal themselves, to feel more loved.  I see this as my legacy.

“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” ― Rumi   

Where the Hell is Mark?

An artist friend Cher Odom, who is known for her whimsical paintings, shared the following  from the book Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz:

"And when Christina returns to spirit, the effects of her lifetime will continue to ripple across the physical plane.  Like a hand on a clear window, each of our lives leaves fingerprints that endure long after the touch.  Some of our energy lingers in the thoughtforms of which Cassandra spoke; all of it echoes across time and space, affecting not only those who share Earth with us when we are here, but also those who will follow."

"Each of us is a seed that was planted within our world's current vibration.  When we raise our own frequencies through the growth produced by life challenges, we raise the world's frequency from within.  Like a single drop of dye added to a glass of water, each person alters the entire hue.  As we create feelings of joy, even if we do so while living alone on a mountaintop, we emit a frequency that makes it easier for others to be joyful.  As we create feelings of peace, we resonate an energy that helps to end wars.  As we love we make it easier for others, both those whom we meet and those who will never know of us, to love.  Who we are is therefore far more meaningful than anything we may ever do."

"... each of us has an impact that far exceeds our knowing.  Our ability to affect the world so forcefully is equally a wonderful opportunity and a great responsibility."

Cher shared this gratitude with me...
I have no clue if the message radiates with you as it does me (on a very deep level) but I felt the need/desire to share. Your FB posts are a clear example of how you touch other souls long after your post/thoughts have been shared. We never really know exactly the power of the energy we send out through the world and to those close to us.

I love "Where The Hell Is Matt?" videos and the songtrack (Trip the Light sung by Alicia Lemke, composed by Garry Schyman) conveys the worldwide togetherness illustrating the feeling of  this essay's theme.

I know we all are connected, some more deeply than with others.  I know we affect those around us directly and indirectly.  We teach our children by how we live our lives.  We give permission to those around us to share their essence more by how we show up in life authentically with vulnerability.

This connection we all have is something that I am aware of and therefore feel a responsibility for.  I not only owe it to myself to live the best, meaningful, and loving life I can but also to those around me.

As I muddle through life, I keep looking to get to that place of feeling that I am living my life's purpose and making a positive difference in this world.  I want to feel some sort of satisfaction or even joy in this process. 

I think that I may be looking for this ideal rather than what really would a realistic fit for who I am.  I suspect that this is more common for people than any of us care to admit to.  I believe that is a big part of my grand journey, to fully accept myself which means to not only accept where I am at in life but to fully embrace it.  I suspect this acceptance of being OK with how I am living my life insofar making a difference is the main aspect of loving myself.

Who Will Date Me?

I have been fortunate  in my life to have lovely women who were willing not only to date me but to actually have a romantic relationship with me.  However growing up in a predominately white, middle class suburb of New Jersey where our family was the only Japanese American family and one of a handful of other Asians living there made me highly self-conscious about my "otherness."  Because of my self consciousness which resulted in being very shy, I did not date.  I kept my head down during those school years from elementary school and into graduate school.
If any girl was interested in me I did not notice.  I married someone who was the second only person I dated until then. 

Now I am single again.  I have made stabs at

http://www.womensmediacenter.com/fbomb/what-makes-asian-american-men-undateable

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1536504218812869

Syphilis

Syphilis no I mean Sisyphus, but let's start from the beginning....

I cringed when I first heard about Melania Trump's initiative To Be Best, for it not only reeks of the non sequitur pablum that characterizes 45's Administration but it recalls back to my childhood where the entreaty was "to do your best." 

I doubly cringe with the memory.I loved my parents.  I had a good childhood.  

My parents devoted their lives to us, their children.  They were involved with our academics where my Mother would go over my Spanish assignments and quiz me on my English vocabulary words, the sports we participated in like track where my Father was the Booster Club treasurer, Cub and Boy Scouts with my Father taking my Patrol hiking and camping as well as assisting me to complete my merit badges,  they scrimped and saved so we were able to go to the college of our choice, they even offered to pay for graduate school for any of the three of us, they took us on family vacations and got encyclopedias.  

We each had chores to do while growing up.  Me cleaning the kitchen floor nightly and all the bathrooms weekly.  I hung out the wash.  During the Fall we all went out with our dog to rake the leaves and during the winter snow, we all went out with our shovels to clear out the driveway and sidewalk..

My parents did not count the number of "A's" we got, nor the trophies or awards, or not even whether we went out for sports or engage in extracurricular activities.  They were lassie faire about what we did and how we did it.  All they cared about was for us to "do our best."  Of course we had the strong familial and cultural examples of focused, heads down, hard work that reinforced us not slacking off.  Our parents demonstrated that by how they lived their lives.  

My Mother took in work in order to be a stay-at-home parent.  She typed legal documents with her Royal manual typewriter using correction tape and carbon paper.  She was one of the first telemarketers who sold magazine subscriptions for the Saturday Evening Post under the pseudonym of Mrs. Miller for who could pronounce or remember the name Hashizume?  My Father got his Master's degree in Mechanical Engineering while working full time with a family at home.  He worked his way through Rutgers by being a waiter, among other things for a fraternity which he was not a member of.

I found that the bar was always set just out of my reach, not because of my parents but because of me.  I could always do better.  I could spend that extra couple of hours studying.  I could be more clever or smarter.  I could think harder.  I could try harder.  It was a constantly losing proposition for me hence the Sisyphus reference.  I felt that I kept pushing that boulder up that hill only to fall back on me.

Eventually I gave up.  I got too many "C's" and fell short in the other things I tried to accomplish.  I learned to not even start something for I could not be good at it right away.  Even though I knew it would take patience and practice to get to that point of competency, I stopped having the desire or drive to put forth the effort.  Monty Python has captured what I am trying to do: This is my quest.

This approach severely limited me in activities and interests that I may have enjoyed or been fulfilled by.  I was somewhat conscious about that and worked on approaching life with a more relaxed attitude.  However I found that I could not overcome the imprint that was put on my child psyche.  I have this attitude that I cannot shake, try as I may.  I don't have the heart to put forth much effort in any of my endeavors.  I go through the motions, whether it is recreational or things that deal with making a living.  Of course this is a recipe for failure.  

I've been told that I excel in certain things; like deep listening, presence and compassion.  I have intelligence and humor.  Those are qualities, not activities.  I'm better at being rather than doing with these qualities. I have been stumped in how I can apply what I am good at, that I enjoy to something that creates something, that is financially valued, that can be applied to an activity.  In the meantime, I am still pushing up the mountain but nowadays they are rocks rather than boulders and the mountain is more like a hill.

Guys Suck as Friends

There I said it.  Guys suck as friends.  At least for me.  Ironically it was my guy friend who said this as well.  Of course I am being deliberately provocative as well as generalizing and stereotyping but I do find that most are that way.  Ironically I came from a loving family of two brothers with an intact family of great parents who would do everything for their sons.  I wonder what is the thing with me that cannot keep male friends in my middle age and beyond.  I find that the men I befriended that they eventually drop out of my life, they usually do it by ghosting.  No returned texts or phone calls.  No explanation on why.  Puzzling ... and rude especially when the last time we have gotten together bore no indication of any issues between us.  

In general, I find most men to be more interested in talking rather than listening,  to know-it-all and quick to tell me what I should do even though I never ask for their advice.  I don't trust such people and am on guard around them.  They are not empathetic nor willing to be open.  

I seek and connect with those who ask the deep questions, of themselves and of the world around them especially in the spiritual and psychological realms.  I cannot relate to those who rather focus on the logical and rational which covers most people which are both men and women but men more so than women.  With all of that said, I do have some beautiful male friends in my life.  They are spiritual, kind, good listeners.  

For me it comes down to trust. While growing up I learned that men tend to judge me more harshly and focus more on results of what I can do rather than who I am.  I found that I had to withstand being the target of aggression for being aggressive is a measure of strength.  Being raised in a Japanese American family where as a culture, we were not that way.  We focused on being cooperative rather than competitive.  We focused on getting along and keeping a low profile rather than standing out and being arrogant.  We were taciturn.  All qualities which males grew up learning to be.  This is the cultural norm.  These are valued and factors for success. And even my brothers all come from this common family and cultural background, I cannot relate to them from the heart level.  I do not trust them for me to be vulnerable with them for they are advice givers, non-listeners and left brain bound.

My Boston U roommates and I trying to look manly & sophisticated

So I ponder this from time-to-time because not having a lot of male friends compared to the women in my life, I think there is somewhat of an imbalance.  I have given up trying to change myself to be more masculine in that traditional sense.  I now focus my attention in accepting who I am and getting in touch that yang energy on my terms.  I believe the balance is being assertive rather than aggressive, being confident and proud without being arrogant, and being focused on self improvement rather than being a winner where there is a loser.  This is where I want to go.

Check out this funny song about men:
Martin Mull men song

Music Makes the World Go 'Round

I really admire those who can create music, whether by singing or by playing instruments.  Our First World sensibilities gives that away to those "professionals" or at least those who have talent and competence in that area.  That concept of music being relegated to a separate group is foreign to indigenous cultures.  There is the tradition of percussion playing and chanting in which anyone can do.  I believe that we all need to make music for ourselves.  This seems such a primal need for us humans.  We lost that along the way.

I find listening to music as a great mood shifter.  It is not the same as making music since one is passive and the other engages more parts of ourselves, not only physically but in other ways that light up more parts of the brain.  Regardless, I find music magic.  Nothing like how music transforms me when I am in a down mood or stuck in a place where I cannot figure my way out.   What is more magical is enjoying music with people I enjoy being with.  I vibe with them vibing with the music and visa versa.

Now what makes this noteworthy for me as oppose to everyone else and their brother who feels the same way?  I feel that I have lost touch of my joy (see my July 3, 2019 blog Where is my Joie de Vivre?).  I really want to find that "place" within to have me really feel that delight, that energy center of delight.  Music seems to be that one enabler that I can look to in assisting me towards that feeling.  Not always but more than any other thing in my life.  More than sex or photography or bicycling.  Being with my children trumps all of that but in general, music is my go-to activity for joy.

I still tear up when listening to a familiar song from my formative years like a James Taylor song of You Can Close Your Eyes for it touches something deep within my soul that I cannot really identify or articulate.  My body reveals the truth of my heart.  Bittersweet, melancholy, yearning are emotions which are familiar but not frequently felt.  I find crying is my body's way of releasing what needs to, what has been held in too tightly.

I loved the light, fun music of such groups as The Monkees, Small Faces, The Mamas and the Papas, The Turtles, Herman's Hermits.  Those songs put a smile on my face with some sing along refrains coming out of my mouth.

Great energy generator songs from groups like Led Zepplin, Grand Funk Railroad, The Who made me get out of my head and into my body.  Of course the Motown classics a la The Big Chill dancing around the kitchen scene is another class of music that has me wanting to pull people into a dance line with me.  Or to be one of the backup singers for Aretha's Respect song.  Unabashed joy is hand clapping, foot tapping, percussion driving music for me.

I put together a funeral playlist after being inspired from attending an friend's friend funeral with music.  That really moved me.  Each song has a link to the YouTube song.
Coming Home - Skylar Grey
You Can Close Your Eyes - James Taylor
Goodbye My Friend – Karla Bonoff
I Think Its Going to Rain Today – Bette Midler
Down So Low – Linda Ronstadt
One Moment More – Mindy Smith
So Far Away – Carole King
I Can't Stand the Rain - Ann Peebles
Feels Like Home – Bonnie Raitt
Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye – Leonard Cohen
Think of Me - The Phantom of the Opera
Bring Him Home - Les Miserables
What'll I Do - Lisa Hannigan

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life – Monty Python
It's a Beautiful Morning – The Rascals
Born to be Alive - Patrick Hernandez


What I seek in music is to have it move me, literally and emotionally.  I find it difficult to tap into my emotions and this is the avenue I take to do that.  I know that being in my head is not the way to get to my Happy Place or Creative Place.  From there I look to be part of this World and fully myself.

See the Psychology Today article on how music affects our emotions.

“Keep on knocking
'til the joy inside
opens a window
look to see who's there”
― Jelalludin Rumi   

The End is Near

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;   — The Buried Life, Matthew Arnold, 1852 

I have been bumping up this end-of-life reminders.

The Good Life Project podcast had an (clink on this link) interview with Ben Nemtin who, with his teenage friends, asked the question, "What do you want to do before you die?"  That started a journey that resulted in a MTV reality show series with them going around the country ticking off their own bucket list but more importantly, they helped those along the way to do the same.

Then I ran across a Netflix movie, About Time which was a light, British time travel movie.  The protagonist, a charmingly awkward guy was able to keep traveling back in time for a do-over of the parts of his life.  He learned that instead perfecting those moments in his life the secret to life is to appreciate and enjoy each moment while living it.  This life lesson of appreciating each and every moment of our time here on Earth is something I always look to embrace.

I grew up being fully aware of my mortality even at a young age.  I am not sure where that came from.  My parents died while I was in my 30s and they were the only ones that passed who I was close to.  When I saw the Jack Nickolson and Morgan Freeman movie, The Bucket List, I was not inspired to create one of my own.  I did not have such a burning desire or probably more likely, daring to dream for myself.  I concluded that I did not want to die with regrets and that right now in my life, I did the best I can to live a good life.  Trips or experiences did not call to me to make me happy or happier.

I did yearn to fulfill my Life's Purpose though I did not know what that is. I wonder it was because I was scared to admit it, for then I had to go and live it.  This has been my lifelong struggle.  Ever since my childhood, I looked for what I should be doing in my life.  I remember asking my Father that question when I was 12.  He told me to be an archeologist which was totally out of left field for I never showed any interest in anything like that.  I asked why, he said you can work outside and be your own boss.  I later realized it was his dream.

I have spent thousands of dollars, months of workshops and classes, answered thousands of questions on interest/personality tests, used psychics among a myriad of other approaches in order to get some sort of idea for the direction for my life.  I know that "the answer lies from within" but I could not access that.  It was and still is highly frustrating.  I use to think that my one regret would be dying before I was living my life's purpose.

I tried to reorient my point of view by telling myself that I AM living my life's purpose.  But the thing was that I did not feel any joy or satisfaction living with that assertion.  So I focused on getting in touch with my joy and being satisfied with my life.  And here is where I am now.  I write my daily gratitudes.  I live as mindfully as I can, appreciating the moments in my life.  I am working with my Body Talk energy practitioner to release any blockages to feel joy.  I look for activities that I enjoy.  I work on being OK with whatever happiness I do feel however I do not equate happiness with joy.

I am a work-in-progress.  I am healthy, have wonderful friends and family, and have some financial wherewithal so I do have hope that I have time to get to that place of being in joy while fulfilling that thing that I am meant to do on this Earth.