I am an intensely needy person. I think that is why my close male friends are scared away. I realize that as I reflect about those people in my own life whom I feel are wanting to release their fears and tribulations on me. My presence encourages those around me to release their pain and troubles. I both feel honored and irritated by that. I realize that I too would withdraw from their life. I would distance my self from their neediness.
I wonder if my former guy friends felt that about me? I wonder my need to connect deeply and share myself with another guy scared them away? I wonder my desire to spend time, to be pals and have real guy time that is safe and fun scared them away? I wonder if they sense that neediness of mine to connect deeply with another guy scared them away?
If this is true then it only came to me just now. An aha. I crave deep and trusting connection with another. Maybe I do latch on someone when I think that s/he is someone I can do that. And if so, then I can understand I would drive people away.
My axiom is that relationships are self selecting, I.e. if it doesn’t work out then there is a good reason why. I have lost several guy friends. Friends whom I’ve had a bromance with. Guys whom I felt safe with and had fun with. These are the men who ghosted me, who walked away without a goodbye. Three close male friends dropped off the map in my life. I mourn that. I am pained by that. I see that the common denominator is me. So here I am trying to figure out the “why” of that.
Interesting that I come from a family of two brothers and a father but needing to draw around this male energy I felt I have lacked in my life. I attribute that to my mother was the alpha to the men in my family.
I am open to own my neediness. I will ponder this. I will be more mindful in connecting with my own self more, connecting with my own maleness, my own yang, my own masculinity rather than trying to source that from another guy.
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