Self Love

There is that self help mantra that you need to love yourself first before you go out looking for love with another.  I thought I did love myself at this juncture of my life.  Or at least well on my way of loving myself adequately enough to move through life. Then I met Kate.  Her love for me showed me a depth and range of love that really went beyond that I ever imagined.

Belonging

Gosh darn it!  I thought I had this sense of not belonging tamped down.  I was not naive enough to know that I had gotten rid of that sense of longing, sadness, disconnection.  I thought it was not much of an issue anymore.  My Heart talking circle brought it up again where one of the caring, wise members pointed me to looking into my pain.  My Shamantic journey circle highlighted that a week later when I fell into sadness and some despair.  I took this as a opportunity to sit with that and examine what lies underneath. 

Me feeling that I don't belong could stem from my family-of-origin (FOO) where we grew up in a white neighborhood where no Asians were.  I stood out as someone who should know karate and Japanese and asked where I was from.  Despite my Father's best efforts to integrate into the community by forcing me and my brothers into Cub Scouts and later Boy Scouts, by making us go to the Presbyterian Church Sunday School every Sunday, and other activities and groups to prove that we did belong, I felt I never really did.

This lack of belonging could also have been reinforced from my ancestral roots since both sides of my family were immigrants from Japan.  I am sure that they felt persecution as well which probably created epigenetic markers that were passed on to me.

Regardless of the origins of my deep sense of lack, I look toward "solutions" where I can transform that feeling into a direction in my life.  A good focus would be helping others who feel disenfranchised or adrift because there is no community or tribe or family to help anchor them in their self worthiness and connection.

My question to myself is "How?"  In what form do I help these people?  Website/blog?  In person, one-on-one counseling?  Being part of a group of such yearning people?  I put it out to the Universe to show me the way, or at least give me some sort of clue.

To be continued...

The Art of Well Being

THRESHOLDS
+ What are your threshold moments?  What experiences changed you, woke you up, taught you something important about life?  Think about challenging moments and also moments of great happiness and achievement.  Consider moments just after the difficult times, when you started find your feet again.
- Wings.  I woke up to myself.  I realized that I have this kid joy, yearning for closeness and touch, and need to express myself out loud.
- My Father's and Mother's death.  My Father's death.  Loss of family. Deep close connection evoking loss of safety, belonging.
-Boston U graduation.  Passage from a sense of failure to having my Father be proud of me and relief.

+ Think about how you could honor or celebrate one of those threshold moments to photography. 
- Emergence to joy, abandon movement, hugging/touch, live out loud - Dance
- Something very close to me and losing it. - Hugging my kids.
- Pride. relief. - Living a good life.

+ Loosely, openly consider making images about that threshold.  Think about what crossing that threshold felt like.  Think about the things, scenes, and people that populated that time of your life.  What would it look like to make images about these things.  Spend a few moments visualizing and then write down any visual ideas.
- Exhaling.  Blowing out after holding breath. Dancing wildly out in public.  Jumping up and down.  Laughing.  Throwing flowers up in the sky.  Splashing puddles. Running.  Throwing myself into the water.  Me throwing a stone into a window.

+Consider what you gained when you crossed your chosen threshold moment.  What scenes or subjects represent the new you.  What could you photograph to represent that?
- Connection with myself; connection with my joy
- Images: me in the mirror - old me/new me.  old me in tie and jacket.  new me, funny hat and glasses.  Bridge crossing.  Well worn path to wandering uphill...



SANCTUARY
+What are your safe, happy places - your places of personal strength?  What places/people/things/experiences feel like sanctuary spaces to you?

Strength: Gym (physical).   Meditation (spiritual)   Marianne (emotional)
Happy: My children.  Photographing around Portland. My friends.
Safe: My bed.  My home.

+Reflect what your sanctuary spaces feel like.  What feelings come to mind?
- comfort, warmth,  safety, enclosed

+What ones are charged with visual potential.  Write down the visual ideas.  How can you photograph your favorite sanctuary space/person/thing/experience?  How can you visually represent the feeling associated with your sanctuary space?
- Me totally wrapped up in a blanket with my face hidden
-

SENSES
+ Think about the sensations that make your world come alive.  What makes you feel physically good? Think about specific senses.
+ Which senses feels most compelling to you?  Consider what it might look like to photograph that sense.  Write down any ideas.  Ask yourself what it feels like to experience that sense.  What would it look like to photography your sense through the lens of that feeling?

JOY
+ What makes your smile?  What people/places/things/experiences bring joy into your life?
+ What makes you laugh?  Think about the last time you laughed fully, completely - the last time you were bursting with silliness and joy?  What makes you laugh out loud?
+ Choose the items that seem filled with the most visual potential.  How could you photograph such things?  What could you do to bring that joy and humor alive in your images?  Write down any subject/location/aesthetic ideas.

14 March 2018 Astrological Reading by Kathy Tuner

This is the year of Life Change.  I'm on the right path for my Soul's Purpose: learning to surrender, faith in God, not worry so much, find friends/in tribe.  Stay the course.  This year I will have career success.  Strong possibility of monetary success and/or love.

I'm doing a good job of letting go.
It's about balance.

I will have success in career and need to have optimism.  I'm going to be taken care of.  I need to have trust and faith.

I need to be secure and solid within myself and not look outside myself to do that.
Angels are helping me with my career.

I have a big heart and it is more open.  My essence is nuturing.

My career is spiritual, helping people like in counseling, help people with transitions and emotions, something around death.

I'm about BEing not Doing.

From my astrologer, Kathy:

You are a beautiful sprit.

Your soul goal is to stay optimistic even when life is not going your way. You are learning detachment and trust in life. It is part of your North Node (soul's direction and what makes you happy) in the 8th House in Aquarius. You will keep getting tests until you get it.

Another reason why career has not jived for you is your House of Career, ruled by Pisces, is more about being than doing. But, in this world, we have to do to survive. 

I do need to add that when I said there was a possibility of meeting somebody, Venus means love or money. One or both of those areas looks promising in your birthday chart. 

Blessings,

Kathy

I am a Seeker.

I am a Seeker.  This is something that I am but not proud of for Seekers don't accomplish something, we aren't Doers or Go Getters.  We are someone who is not-quite-satisfied with what we have and who we are.  It sounds like we are spoiled brats doesn't it?  We cannot really articulate exactly what we are seeking. We cannot give the dimensions of it nor point to something that already exists.

Being a Seeker does not makes me a valuable, contributing member of Society or in my case, a desirable mate in his mid-60s.  Yes at my age with no economic chance to retire and have not figured it out by now puts me on the bottom of the list by single women looking for a life partner.

So there is a bit of shame about me being this anachronistic wanderer in this fast paced, highly focused and directed world of accomplishment.   But I yam what I yam.  I have learned that the best way of dealing with who I am is to accept myself as I am.  Wow what a concept!  What I mean is that there is a difference between making an effort to change in my views, attitudes, and behavior versus knowing who I really am and embracing that as wonderful me.

There is the whole identity thing as well, I mean what is my title or profession I tell people at cocktail parties? You want to know what I do?  Err, I am looking for the meaning of my life.  Yeah that's it.  That's my elevator pitch.  And the pay stinks and there is little chance of promotion.

Am I like Sisyphus, where I keep pushing that rock uphill time and time again with no end?  Or even if I really recognize it's my purpose when it shows up?  Is it like defining porn where I know it when I see it?  Will the heavens open up and there will be a thunderous sound with a bright light shining down directly on me?  Yeah right.

Yes, I distract myself with meditation, exercise, alcohol, the web, and friends so I won't have to deal with the unknowing.  And that does not remove this unsettled yearning for something that is outside of myself. This sense of neverendingness can be tiresome and feels quite self indulgent.

All I know I have this restlessness inside me that keeps me from being satisfied with my life.  I don't like that.  Life will be a lot easier if I was settled into what I have and know.  This is who I am.  This is me for now. I am on this journey that I cannot explain or justify by conventional standards.  It is not a matter of faith that keeps me going.  It is having no choice.  This is not me driving me.  It is how I am built, how I am on this Earth.

Despair

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-beast/201210/why-liberal-hearts-bleed-and-conservatives-dont

http://www.businessinsider.com/psychological-differences-between-conservatives-and-liberals-2018-2#liberals-tend-to-follow-the-wandering-gaze-of-others-more-often-while-conservative-eyes-stay-more-focused-on-the-original-subject-theyre-looking-at-6

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/calling-truce-political-wars/

I am committing to write daily. I wonder if I have really anything interesting to say on such a regular basis.  I am saying this to me.  This is my challenge to notice the profane in the mundane... or at least showing how God is in the details.

Today, my senior body is complaining about yesterday's workout (which I am proud of doing by the way).  Of course I tell myself that I would have been this tired and sore in my 40s or even in my 20s from such a workout.  It is not so much of being sore but more tired.  I know that regardless of how much sleep I get, my body does not get the rest and recovery I need.  Today is my rest day.  I am tired and it is a slouch-in-my-easy chair time.  Even though the outside is beautifully sunny, I prefer staying inside watching Netflix because of my fatigue.

Today

 

I'm Back

Here I am after being inspired to post on my continuing existential crisis of the soul.  My how that sounds so serious and deep.  In reality I think this is my indulgence of my ego to give myself some solace in dealing with my mundane challenges.  My life is dribbling away from me, day by day.  I look back and keep noticing how years ago I was working on changing this and have not really progressed towards my happiness, finding meaning in my life or any sense of spiritual peace.

I also keep reminding myself that I live a blessed life.  I am healthy.  I have caring friends and family. I have a place to live and able to afford the basics.  I have this inner longing that pokes at me from the inside to desire more.  The "more" not in a greedy way.  There is an nudging discomfort that I cannot ignore or cover up or distract myself from as much as I try.  It is something I keep trying to ignore by counting my blessings but it keeps coming back.  The Universe, my unconscious, whoever or whatever is telling me over and over again that I need more in my life.  I need to know and live my meaning.  I need to indulgently fulfilled.  What the hell?

A good friend of mine, Diemut (I love that name) told me that perhaps a path towards life purpose realization is through my photography combined with my writing.  Hence I am restarting my blog.  This seems to make some sense to me.  I never really considered myself a writer or even like to write but here I am.  I call this processing my thoughts rather than writing.  My photographs are here as a way of giving visual meaning to the words.  I would like to play around with having no relevance as well.  This is a place where I can experiment in choosing how I want to present myself to the world.  Not trying to be that coherent or perfect.  That will be a bit of a departure in approaching writing and posting.