I am a Seeker.

I am a Seeker.  This is something that I am but not proud of for Seekers don't accomplish something, we aren't Doers or Go Getters.  We are someone who is not-quite-satisfied with what we have and who we are.  It sounds like we are spoiled brats doesn't it?  We cannot really articulate exactly what we are seeking. We cannot give the dimensions of it nor point to something that already exists.

Being a Seeker does not makes me a valuable, contributing member of Society or in my case, a desirable mate in his mid-60s.  Yes at my age with no economic chance to retire and have not figured it out by now puts me on the bottom of the list by single women looking for a life partner.

So there is a bit of shame about me being this anachronistic wanderer in this fast paced, highly focused and directed world of accomplishment.   But I yam what I yam.  I have learned that the best way of dealing with who I am is to accept myself as I am.  Wow what a concept!  What I mean is that there is a difference between making an effort to change in my views, attitudes, and behavior versus knowing who I really am and embracing that as wonderful me.

There is the whole identity thing as well, I mean what is my title or profession I tell people at cocktail parties? You want to know what I do?  Err, I am looking for the meaning of my life.  Yeah that's it.  That's my elevator pitch.  And the pay stinks and there is little chance of promotion.

Am I like Sisyphus, where I keep pushing that rock uphill time and time again with no end?  Or even if I really recognize it's my purpose when it shows up?  Is it like defining porn where I know it when I see it?  Will the heavens open up and there will be a thunderous sound with a bright light shining down directly on me?  Yeah right.

Yes, I distract myself with meditation, exercise, alcohol, the web, and friends so I won't have to deal with the unknowing.  And that does not remove this unsettled yearning for something that is outside of myself. This sense of neverendingness can be tiresome and feels quite self indulgent.

All I know I have this restlessness inside me that keeps me from being satisfied with my life.  I don't like that.  Life will be a lot easier if I was settled into what I have and know.  This is who I am.  This is me for now. I am on this journey that I cannot explain or justify by conventional standards.  It is not a matter of faith that keeps me going.  It is having no choice.  This is not me driving me.  It is how I am built, how I am on this Earth.