Here Comes da Judge

It was my understanding that it was wrong to judge especially if you want to be spiritual.  So like any good boy and student, I worked hard not to do that.  This was like how I worked on anger as well.  My upbringing in a Japanese American household in the middle of New Jersey, middle class suburbia was that of not expressing our emotions whether it was anger or joy.  We were a buttoned down family.  We were this island of non-reaction in the midst of Italian Americans and Jews who are the top expressive cultures on the Planet.  I learned from my parents that we had to fit in.  There is a Japanese saying, The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.  We kept a low profile.

From that early upbringing, I learned to accept what was dealt to us.  So this was great training not to judge others for I was judging myself.  I felt that it was me that had to adjust, that was wrong and had to course correct in order to fit in.  This way of thinking coupled with my culture’s obedience to authority and older people made me accepting other people’s judgments of me rather the other way around.

I believe we cannot get away from judging others.  This is who we are.  It is a social survival trait don’t you think?  How best to live a more spiritual life, a more compassionate life is to discern rather than to judge others.  To discern is to evaluate without labeling the other person as bad or wrong.  I’m all for being able to label behavior as unhealthy, unkind, or harmful.  It is the old blaming the behavior rather than the person view.  However, I still struggle when I take my older brother’s indifference and pompous (note the judgmental adjective) and self centered attitude personally.

So, like any “negative” attitude or thought us “spiritual” folk may have (LOL), the solution is to acknowledge the thought and feeling, be gentle with ourselves, and let go of that energy that really does not do any of us good to  hold onto.  I believe the next step of letting go is to recognizing that someone like my older brother is doing the best he can given his upbringing, his limitations, his day-to-day life, and just who he is.  I would be better off for myself if I really embrace my older brother’s great qualities such as kindness.

For me, I have to be careful in making sure I do not “let it go” too quickly before really acknowledging my judgments, anger, or whatever negative view of the pain-in-the-ass person who I tend to too quick to forgive and move on.  I think it is not so much forgiveness but not giving my own self the compassion and permission to feel the anger or the outrage from is prevented from me feeling because of my victim upbringing.

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