My Dog

I have a couple of scares with my 16? Year old puppy (as my 18 yr old daughter likes to refer to her as).   Chili is a sweet mellow dog that we adopted 11 years ago.  They did not know exactly how old she was but she was around 3 to 5 years old at the time. 

The scare was when she collapsed into convulsions a month ago.  It turned out that she was diabetic but the vet said that the convulsions should not be related to diabetes.  Fortunately she had only two episodes but at the time I was prepared to say goodbye to her at the time.

Today she had a more serious episode by having multiple convulsions here at home and later at the vet’s.  They did not know whether she would be able to recover from it.  With her glucose levels back up after a day of being on an IV, she stopped convulsing and able to get up (somewhat).

I wonder about experiencing a death of a pet.  I have had three other losses in my life with a pet.  Once while I was in middle school with our family dog.  Another time when I was in high school with our family cat.  And the last time when I adopted a dog and she was hit by a car after having her  for week and a half.  It took only a couple of months since Ruby’s death for me to decide to adopt Chili.

All my previous pet deaths did not have a real emotional impact on me.  I wonder about that.  Now with the near death brush with my animal companion of eleven years, I check in was surprised and somewhat ashamed that I am not so concerned if she left me in death.  I really question my emotional health by not having that fear or sadness of her potential loss.

I know there is no one way to grieve and to experience loss but I judge myself for being so emotionally shut down for that absence of feeling.  

Adopting a dog was and is a great responsibility.  I knew that when I did it.  I did not fully grasp the magnitude of that responsibility when I need to consider to kill my dog or not when I took her into my life.  The act withholding care because of the cost and based on her age makes me wonder how to judge the value of the life of a pet, of another sentient being, of a constant companion of eleven years. 

I question my heart and values when I can easily make that decision to let her go, to accept that she can be gone the next day without pain or grief.  I have no answers or explanations.  How does this relate to my spirituality?  The foundation of any spiritual practice, in my view, is love.  Where is that in this situation?  How do I feel that?  How do I exhibit that?  Is it just because she is “only” a pet?  Or it goes further where I do not fully live my wannabe persona of a spiritual and loving man?   Questions… no answers… yet.

Holding onto friendships or when does love and loyalty expire?

This is a similar blog to my previous postings of Love and Obligation and Being Honest.

I have a friend of 5 years to whom  I have expressed (friend) love.  Now I am not feeling that anymore.  I felt very close to her for we shared a common background of pain and dealing with our psychological challenges around work.  We have struggled and continue to struggle along similar paths with career.  We had an affinity because of our respective self awareness and  willingness to improve.  What I find harder and harder to deal with is my judgment of the circumstances of her stuckness.

She is in a 30 plus year marriage to a physician.  She is taken care of financially but talks poor, how she cannot afford things.  She talks about needing to work but she has not since I’ve known her.  Instead she went to get another Master’s degree in a similar field that she already has a MA in by incurring tuition debt in the six figures and at an age of being in her mid-50s.

I know her pain and fear is real.  I just find myself resenting her and her struggle.  I see that she Is making steps trying to move forward in her career but she is doing it all the while being the financial dependent with a man she does not want to be married to.

What is the trade off of acknowledging my feelings and move away from the friendship versus owning up to my judgments and staying in the friendship?  Is love “fixed,” i.e. never changing from the start?  

What is the spiritual issue in this?  Isn’t it the point of love is to grow it, add others to it and not decrease the number of people I do love?

Ultimately I believe that how I see what my Truth is and that is to let go of a friendship that is not genuine for me anymore.  I own my judgments of her for I believe all judgment is self judgment but for now I need to step away. 

COMMENTS?

Love and Obligation

I wonder about what love is.  They (whoever “they” are) say that there is only love in this world and the rest is the absence of it.  I don’t like to even use the “L” word for it can be interpreted in so many different ways. We were all raised with differing meanings of what love is or is not.  Of course there is spiritual love which is different from romantic love, friend love, pet love, family love, and all the other kinds of different loves.  Or is spiritual love that very different?

So what IS spiritual love?  My initial take is that of course it is unconditional love which means total acceptance.   I wonder if that is the true definition.  Regardless most of us are not that way.  Most of us do not unconditionally love ourselves much less others.  I wonder if we can really do that for our own children.

In a practical sense, how do you do love?  How do you practice love?  Let’s not talk about the easy ways like bringing a casserole to a shut in or volunteering  to be a Big Brother or Big Sister or even giving blood.   

One particular way I wonder if it is really love is doing things out of obligation because it is what we feel we should do rather than what we want to do.  Is it possible to hate what we are doing for the person, not even like him or her and still do an act of service for them in the name of love?  Is this love?

So I feed my dog, walk her, brush her daily, give her her medicine, take her to the vet if I see her in distress.  Do I like all that?  No, not really.  I don’t even talk to her.  When my son was young and in the Boy Scouts, he went on some camping trips.  I went with him.  Did I want to go?  Not at all.  He went off and did his scout activities and I hung out with the other dads being bored.

This is what I call obligation.  The origin may be out of love for my dog and son but is it really a good demonstration of love if I really don’t like or even if I resent it (which I do not in those particular examples)?  Maybe the indicator is when I get to that feeling of resentment then it is not really the proper way of doing love?  

Guilt is another motivation to do things in the name of love that we don’t want  or like to do.  Is this true spiritual love to do the act regardless of the motivation or does the motivation negates the act?  I contend that it does matter on the motivation which is very similar on my previous posting on how intention makes the difference with our words.   

If we do things from true caring rather than what society, guilt, upbringing, or others think we should do then it is spiritual love.  In my heart-of-hearts, if I really don’t like the person and I do it my good deed out of pity, guilt or whatever then I would not classify that as spiritual love.

I like the quote my friend edd posted that captures spirituality more so than love but I still want to share it, "The world is a journey of falling in love with others, spirituality is a journey of falling in love with one’s own self ". Osho

COMMENTS WELCOMED

Here Comes da Judge

It was my understanding that it was wrong to judge especially if you want to be spiritual.  So like any good boy and student, I worked hard not to do that.  This was like how I worked on anger as well.  My upbringing in a Japanese American household in the middle of New Jersey, middle class suburbia was that of not expressing our emotions whether it was anger or joy.  We were a buttoned down family.  We were this island of non-reaction in the midst of Italian Americans and Jews who are the top expressive cultures on the Planet.  I learned from my parents that we had to fit in.  There is a Japanese saying, The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.  We kept a low profile.

From that early upbringing, I learned to accept what was dealt to us.  So this was great training not to judge others for I was judging myself.  I felt that it was me that had to adjust, that was wrong and had to course correct in order to fit in.  This way of thinking coupled with my culture’s obedience to authority and older people made me accepting other people’s judgments of me rather the other way around.

I believe we cannot get away from judging others.  This is who we are.  It is a social survival trait don’t you think?  How best to live a more spiritual life, a more compassionate life is to discern rather than to judge others.  To discern is to evaluate without labeling the other person as bad or wrong.  I’m all for being able to label behavior as unhealthy, unkind, or harmful.  It is the old blaming the behavior rather than the person view.  However, I still struggle when I take my older brother’s indifference and pompous (note the judgmental adjective) and self centered attitude personally.

So, like any “negative” attitude or thought us “spiritual” folk may have (LOL), the solution is to acknowledge the thought and feeling, be gentle with ourselves, and let go of that energy that really does not do any of us good to  hold onto.  I believe the next step of letting go is to recognizing that someone like my older brother is doing the best he can given his upbringing, his limitations, his day-to-day life, and just who he is.  I would be better off for myself if I really embrace my older brother’s great qualities such as kindness.

For me, I have to be careful in making sure I do not “let it go” too quickly before really acknowledging my judgments, anger, or whatever negative view of the pain-in-the-ass person who I tend to too quick to forgive and move on.  I think it is not so much forgiveness but not giving my own self the compassion and permission to feel the anger or the outrage from is prevented from me feeling because of my victim upbringing.

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On Being Honest

I wonder about the value of honesty or more specifically to tell people what you think and feel. What is the value of that? On the surface, sharing what is going on inside gives people a window of who you are which in turn creates a connection, an intimacy between each you and them. The downside is that this openness can create distance, anger, or anxiety depending on what and how it is shared.

I think there should be no question on whether or not that I need to know what I think and feel for myself. I do think it is a matter of judgment whether to share that with others. There are those who do not know what they are feeling or thinking until they articulate or act it out.

To be honest with myself is the foundation of being in integrity. To be honest with others is a judgment call. I look at the intention when I or someone else shares their thought or feelings. What is the purpose of doing so? What is the agenda? Is this a blurting out, automatic behavior or is there a reason for such communication?

I have a single friend who is trying to create a relationship. He wants to do the “right” thing by being honest with himself and with the woman he is with. The thing is that he has shared his doubts about being in relationship with her all in the name of honesty. I wonder if that is the wisest thing if he truly wants to create a lasting relationship. Is the real reason is him wanting to adhere to this standard of honesty? Or is it more of unconsciously sabotaging the relationship before it can go further? What is his true intention?

I have convinced myself that to verbalize what I think or how I feel is not necessary in the name of honesty. I do know that I need to do it for those times of asserting myself, for connection in sharing what is going on inside of me, and to uncover for myself what is going on inside.

There is this great book by Kelly Bryson, Don’t be Nice, be Real. The subtitle is balancing passion for self with compassion for others. Bryson discusses a great approach of having honest and compassionate communication with the intention of connection.

So honesty needs to be based in that intention of compassionate connection otherwise it is manipulation or blame or anger or fear or judgment.

IF YOU HAVE GOTTEN THIS FAR THEN YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO ADD A COMMENT ... and please be HONEST (did I really say that?  LOL)

Value of Authenticity

I wonder what is the real price of not being “authentic?”  I read a Huffington Post article titled, Does Authenticity Matter Anymore?  The thesis of the article is that there is a trend in our culture to enhance our looks, our performance for sports, dating, academics, among the many other areas of our life.  This caused me to think about how we are encouraged to pretend to be someone else in order to get ahead or at the very least, to fit in.

Is this any different from that adage, “fake it until you make it?” where in order to change something about ourselves to a more positive behavior, you pretend that you are that person already?

I do know that it takes a whole lot of energy to be someone that I am not.  I am not a confident extrovert.  I am not an articulate, think-on-my-feet speaker.  I am not a techno-geek that is detailed oriented.  Now those are just skills that can be learned.  Where is the line where I can accept and enhance the skills and experiences that fit who I am versus pushing myself out of my comfort zone to learn new skills and have new experiences to grow?

I felt that I have been doing the later more in my life rather than the former, i.e. to just relax into myself and focus on those things that I love rather than trying to grow into areas that really are not me and what I like to do.

So I have given up most of my life to focus on fitting in, do things that I don’t really enjoy, deny those parts of me that make up my joy.  Or you can argue that I have really gained skills and experiences that I would not have otherwise have had.  I do know now that I am a stage of my life that I really need to uncover what is my “true” self.

To answer the larger question of the desirability of being authentic, I believe it is about our behavior in relationship to others and how vulnerable and open we are with each other.  Authenticity equals uncensored, question mark?

I guess whether we are authentic comes from our intention.  If we intend to change our behavior for our personal growth then it’s authentic.  If we intend to have our behavior to fool others, fit in, get ahead then it is inauthentic?  What if it our intentions are for both outcomes?

Do you have any answers or comments?  Please share.

Living Life with No Regrets

I posted on my Facebook page a link to the top 5 regrets that people expressed on their deathbed.  I say “Duh” to them all since I have struggled with NOT regretting my life for decades.  Here is the last regret:  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

This is the struggle I have had for a while.  As much as I work on choosing to be happy through a positive attitude, through being grateful, through appreciating people and the world around me, living in the present moment, and through nurturing friendships and staying connected with family, I find it a struggle to really be in my joy (see previous blog).  Rita Mae Brown’s quote points to the “why” of happiness but not so much the “how.”  ‎"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." 

I am living my life as if I am going to die tomorrow (or today for that matter).  This blog is as good as any to list my funeral songs which I have compiled a while ago. Of course I want everyone to have the lyrics when these are played.  I’m not sure about my eulogy.  We had to write one for our Wings Lifeworks seminar.  I did not like it and want to write a new one.  I will do that on a future blog.  If I die before that then I will leave that up to my various family members and friends.  Thanks guys!

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement.  I was the bridegroom taking the world into my arms."  Mary Oliver

Not in any particular order … (the links are to YouTube vids of the songs)

1. Into the Light – In This Moment
2.  I Think Its Going to Rain Today – Bette Midler
3. Stay – Alison Krauss and Union Station
4. You Can Close Your Eyes – James Taylor
5. Goodbye My Friend  -Karla Bonoff
6. One Moment More – Mindy Smith
7. I Shall Not Walk Alone – Ben Harper – Blind Boys of Alabama
8. Free At Last – Blind Boys of Alabama
9. Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin
10. End with this  Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python (we can end on this one instead of the Bobby McFerrin one since that has been overplayed anyway)

The songs I considered but decided not to include are:

1.       Fix you – Young@Heart (not sure I want to include this but it was powerful in the context of the movie

2.       Who Knows Where the Time Goes? – Fairport Convention

3.       Down So Low – Linda Ronstadt

4.       Let the Mystery Be – Iris Dement
5.    Dance into the Light - Phil Collins

6.       Good Night – The Beatles

7.       Don’t Worry Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin (This would have been the closing song)

So any regrets besides that I am not living the life I am suppose to live in order fulfill my purpose?  I’ve been told that I should be a counselor, a healer, a spiritual coach.  I can imagine that.  What I cannot figure out how to get there from here even how to determine the baby steps to that end.  The answer is “no” I have no other regrets.  

I feel that I did the best I could as a father to my beautiful, caring, intelligent, funny, hard working children.  I did the best I could as a partner to Sandy.  I worked on my mindfulness with all my relationships, friends and family.  Wings was such a gift to me for that was when I worked on consciously embracing my authentic self (Regret #1 of the list from the website).

I guess the other regret was not laughing as much as I wanted to (see previous blog).  LOL (not quite the same I  know).

I HOPE YOU WILL COMMENT.  THANKS.

Spirituality and God

Is being spiritual mean that I need to believe in God, a Higher Power?  No, I would not define it to be that.  My definition of being spiritual is how I live my life and how I view others.  A belief in God is not a part of how I conduct my life and how I want to focus on love and compassion.

The reading about people's near death experiences, noting how many synchronistic events occur, and just plain miracles that I hear about helps me justify my belief or maybe just brought me to that acknowledgement of God.

I want to embrace this belief in God, shaky as my belief is.  I want to know that I am not alone, that I have help, that my life has meaning.  I do believe that I grasp at the idea of God because it gives me a sense of hope, that I am not alone facing my life's difficulties.  This is more of I am able to get through life, to keep me going.  Plus I guess it helps to have a "secret friend" a la a stuffed animal to comfort me in those times of need and distress.

I see this belief in a Higher Power is a mechanism that assists me in getting through life  Not a great, self sufficient spiritual way of looking at God and frankly, a self serving way.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK or BELIEVE.  PLEASE COMMENT.

Laughing is equal to being spiritual

I believe the indication of spiritual and psychological health is our ability to laugh.  Our laughter reveals how much joy we are experiencing in our lives.  Humor is related to how we can laugh.  Having humor is our ability to view the world and life lightly.

So my dilemma is how I can get in touch with my joy?  How can I let my laughter out?  Tell me to relax, don't take things so seriously, don't think so much and I would punch you out (see my previous blog on that).

I think if I was more at ease with my life, if I am am satisfied with where I am with my career, and financial status then I would not be so uptight.  How come I don't see things as funny as before?  I remember (albeit a distant memory) that I use to laugh easy, quip with humorous irony and just be able to find humor in life around me.

I am searching for that magic key to laughter.  I love to laugh.  I miss that.  Come on Mark!  Lighten up!  Joy is too big a deal for me to embrace that as a concept.  Joy implies a state of being rather than a momentary guffaw or snorting burst that is very temporal.

Writing this blog has me make a commitment that I will be more aware of finding humor around me and will joke and tease more.

Yeah, right.

PLEASE ADD YOUR JOKE HERE... or a COMMENT

Spiritual Pleasures

What comes to mind when I say pleasure to you?  I would guess it would be everything from a tropical vacation to a decadent, chocolate dessert to sweaty and uninhibited sex to rocking out with your favorite band.  I bet that most of us would not associate any of those activities with a spiritual practice.

I think what we experience as pleasure is primarily connected with our senses.  I wonder if being spiritual means that we need to be removed from those senses?  Is it totally an inward practice?  Our goal in finding peace and enlightenment is from going inside?  Do we need to be disconnected from our touch, taste, sight and hearing in order to get to those feelings of kindness and compassion - the hallmarks of being spiritual?

I want to assert in order to be spiritual that I need to be sensual, in touch with my senses for that is what it is to be fully alive.  This is the way to be present, in the moment with the world around me. So given that assertion and taken to the extreme, does hedonism equal being spiritual?  Or do I get off the hook by asserting that if I do anything mindfully with kindness and joy then it's spiritual?

I guess the bigger question is why does it matter whether I label my activities as spiritual or not?  What is the point?  the goal?  the purpose of being spiritual?  I think my desire to be spiritual is my desire to live my life with meaning and in order to do that I need to live my life fully.  I want to have purpose of being here on this planet.  I believe in order to do that, I need to engage all of my senses, my mind, my personality, my character, my body, my wisdom, my experiences in living my life.

I believe that joy is our birthright for when we are joyful then we allow all those other qualities be brought to bear to live our lives fully.  Pleasure is one avenue to tap into our joy. Ipso facto, doing pleasure is enabling me to do my Life's Work.

PLEASE ADD TO MY PLEASURE and MAKE A COMMENT