Post Op Lessons Learned

There is an African saying “The blessing is next to the wound.”

I am now able to step back from my bowel obstruction surgery which took 9 days of hospitalization and look at the blessings from it.

I got to see my children and their partners all together on my first day of hospitalization.  We rarely get together all at once and this got to be a time we did.

I got to really experience and take in the deep love and caring from my children.  I tend to discount myself as someone who makes a positive difference in people's lives.  I look at myself as someone who can always do better, especially as a father.  I really felt in a deep emotional way that I am truly cared for, valued and loved by my children.

My surgery in this particular area of my body seemed to be a metaphor for what is blocked in my life.  I think the First/Root Chakra is associated with my blocked colon.  This chakra is associated with survival, stability, acceptance, grounding, fear, safety.  I suspect that acceptance is the key aspect that was blocked.  Now that I am recovering, I do hope that not only physical my life energy is back flowing but also having my self acceptance energy there as well.

My Second/Sacral Chakra could be the chakra that is associated with my colon.  I have been working on freeing this chakra for it is associated with creativity, passion, sexual energy.  I have felt that I have lacked passion in my life.  I don't have a dream or a drive to do something that excites me for I have no real excitement aka passion.  I think this is the underlying issue that is holding me back in my work and personal life, or just life in general.  Hopefully this operation will also let loose this passion energy so I can have a life of passion.

The outpouring of love and support from my friends shocked me.  Again, I guess I thought little of my "footprint" in this world and even though I cared for my friends, I did not expect such caring back.  I heard from those I had not had much communication before.

I have learned that even in when I was in this seemingly never ending cycle of pain and relief, pain and relief I was cared for by strangers.  This was not just dispassionate, clinical, perfunctory care.  This was care from people who did not see me as one of a string of other sick and recovering patients but as a fellow human who was in pain and needed their care. These people who connected with me as another person who also had feelings, who shared their humor as well as their professional skilled care.  I learned that the world can be/is a friendly place.  These caregivers were shining lights and examples for me to show me how I can treat strangers as if they weren't but as connected human beings with feelings.

Perhaps this unblocking Root Chakra acceptance energy has showed up as well?  Regardless, the blessing of such demonstrations of caring through words, deed (offers of meals and errand running and anything else), and even money were unexpected positives from this most physical painful experience in my life.

I am so humbled and grateful to have these people in my life.

Blind Boys of Alabama - I Shall Not Walk Alone

I am sure that I will continue to gain wisdom and insight from this experience of hospitalization and recovery afterwards.  I now look at my new touchstone of self-acceptance as a means to help me navigate my life.

I still have this sense of stuckness for my job/career/means of living.  However I embrace this new faith in life, in the Universe, in myself.  Hell, what can be more powerful than painful colon surgery to give me the message of acceptance; for myself, for my life?

My Hospitalization Costs

I keep hearing about the state of affairs of our United States healthcare.

I got to experience it first hand from my 9 day stay in the hospital for my blocked colon surgery this past October.

I just got the bill.  From the looks of it, it covers all my expenses during my stay at Providence St. Vincent Medical Center/Hospital.

The list is quite extensive and frankly amazing.

• Semi-private room: $1,918/day -> $17,262 total
• Pharmacy: $15,208.41 (includes pain medication, electrolytes, IV nutrition, etc.)
• Anesthesia: $1,156
• Emergency Room: $2,162
• Laboratory: $1,844
• Operating Room: $9,269
• Medical/Surgical Supplies and Devices: $442 (catheter)
• Professional Fees: $780 (Emergency Room)
• Recovery Room: $569
• Treatment or Observation Room: $657

Total: $53,505.41

Insurance coverage: $51,705.41

Patient balance: $1,800 due at the end of November, this month.

They offer a no interest payment plan which I intend to take advantage of.

Thank God that I do not have to resort to GoFundMe to help me cover my expenses for 1 in 3 are for such a reason.  This is the state of healthcare in this country.

November 10 addendum
Anesthesiology: $1,599
Insurance coverage: $1,190.02
Patient balance: $74.37

December 05 added YouTube video on sharing how much it costs for US healthcare with Brits
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kll-yYQwmuM&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR1dmSUBi94PSytKy8Pk0MMjyjG8VHwcnEEt-RlVu9g9e2MPBShbjCSjfcg 

What Does It Mean?

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no?
Doesn't that make life a story?”

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

I look for meaning in my life.  I also look for the meaning of the events that happen in my life.  I think this is a very human thing.  Looking up if there is a field of psychology about this, I found that semiotics is the broad area where this falls into.

When I had my bowel obstruction surgery, the doctor told me that the intestine has it own nervous system.  I knew that from my Body Talk knowledge.  I later found out it is called the Enteric nervous system.  The scientists call this our Second Brain. It is known that this controls our emotions.

The one and only other time I was in the hospital was when I was around 12 years old for, coincidentally enough, a stomach problem.  I had similar very sharp pains in my gut which landed me in the hospital.  My dad feared it was an appendicitis attack.  He lost his older brother from a blotched appendectomy so this brought back horrific memories for him.  I had to stay around 2-3 days under observation but they could not diagnose the issue or so my dad told me.

I wonder this history of abdominal issues (there were other, more minor instances of intestinal pain and disturbances throughout my life) that culminated to the most painful time in my life were signals to me to pay attention to this gut wisdom.

I knew about this source of intelligence and have tried to access that in the past multiple times and having taken several classes to assist me but to no avail.

I believe that my physical maladies are messages from my body to pay attention to the wisdom it has for me.  The frustrating part is that I have tried for years.  I am at loss on what I can do.  This painful time of my bowel being obstructed.

So maybe this surgery was the "fix" for me to access my gut intelligence now.  Maybe this opened up the energy channels so I can be more intuitive.  If I had to make up the lesson for this traumatic time that put me painfully out of commission, then for now, I'm positing this as the reason this happened to me.

Put on a Happy Face

[click here] Put on a Happy Face

I have struggled most of my life in being in that place of joy, happiness or even satisfaction.  I know that this is a First World dilemma but dammit I was born in one, to a middle class family who loved me, and got a first class education all the up to two graduate schools.  I refuse to buy into the "be thankful for what you have because there are starving children in India."  First of all, my Indian friend told me that his mother told him the same except she used the United States starving children as the exhortation.  Second, I am not a starving child.  I am me.  I am living my life, not someone else's.

The Secret popularized the technique of manifesting what we desire just be "raising our vibration" and visualizing it.  The vibration is our joy.  The spirit channel Esther Hicks is someone who also popularizes this notion of attracting good fortune from being happy.

Now I am the last person to dis the notion of wanting to be happy however to focus on that one emotion and being made guilty that I am attaining my highest spiritual aspirations by not being in that highest vibrational nirvana does not work for me.  I see that as a one dimensional approach to living.  We have a range of emotions that are not positive, that are not high frequency.  And sure, I do believe that we benefit by hanging out the joy place more so than the depressive place of life.

I struggle with this. I do want to be happy most of the time.  It's not working. I believe it is in part that I have not honored my shadow emotions enough which, in turn will give my being a sense of the range of what I can feel.  In other words, I need to fully experience and be in a place of sadness in order to feel happiness.

I grew up in a family whose focus was not to be happy per se.  My parents worked hard to create economic security and also to raise their sons by giving us opportunities to better ourselves.  We were serious in making our way through life.  That meant doing a good job; whether in school, at a job, our chores.  Happiness seemed like a luxury that was not even in our vocabulary.

I love to watch those movies where they burst out with song and dance, where the guy dances with his umbrella down the street in the pouring rain, where they dance out chopsticks on a toy floor piano keyboard, or those movies where the character has this unwavering optimism.  Those characters I envy.  There is no worrying or doubting the rightness of their lives.

I have read about the studies that in order to be happy, one must have gratitude, have strong social connections, that there is a happiness set point we are born with, and finding that activity that you can lose a sense of time in, i.e. that creative effort.

Then there is that other factor of accomplishing something that is meaningful to oneself.  I only recently realized in this past decade or so.  I see that even though a meaningful life does not directly equate to a happy life they are tied together.  Having meaning gives depth to happiness.  This is low resonance high vibrational living.

So sure, let's be happy together for I believe joy begets joy.  I love to be around happy people. What I want more is that I will live a life of happiness that feeds my soul, that expresses it.  And it's the other way around isn't it?  If I express my soul then I can live a life of happiness, of meaning?  Rather than dwelling on this chicken or egg enigma, [Edwin Hawkins Singers]I will continue to move forward in both realms. I will work on singing or at least listening to music as well as dancing, or in my case thrashing wildly with abandon.  I will look for ways of expressing my soul through deep, heart-centered connections with compassion and authenticity.

Guilt Tripping

Or is it shame?
[click on this link] Evelyn 'Champagne' King - Shame

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary:  a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

My definition is that It is unintentionally and usually publicly doing the wrong thing though carelessness and/or by not being mindful.  I have peed in public because I could not hold it any longer and did not want to wet my  pants.  I have lost my glasses that I was wearing without remembering how by drinking too much.  I recently got fired from the lowest wage job I ever had since I was a teenager by some egregious dereliction of duty.

[click on this link] Bene' Brown has talked and written extensively about shame.  However she identifies Shame's origins are Never good enough and Who do you think you are?  Her theme seems like that shame is the result of trying and failing at something.  She makes a distinction between Guilt vs. Shame.  Shame is "I am bad."  Guilt comes from behavior, " I did something bad."

So perhaps I am more feeling guilt than shame. Regardless such events in my life triggers a sense of shame for aren't our actions are a manifestation of who we are?  Such feelings and thoughts show me that self-love is still a work in progress.  There are those who think that shame or guilt are good things to feel for they are our internal moral police to keep us on the straight and narrow.  If we did not have a strong moral compass then would we not feel the shame or guilt?

My desire is never to feel such emotions for I want to be that person who has integrity, i.e. have my behavior align with my values.  Even for my bio mishaps, I want to be able to be more compassionate and accepting that I am human.  So maybe to feel shame and guilt are just signals to myself to remind me to be more compassionate with myself?  For some people, when they struggle or fail in relationships then that's their signal that they need to work on self-love.

For me, it is allowing me to be human.  That even though "I should know better" or I could have tried harder, I still fail and in that failure brings shame.  It is more shame than guilt for me.  Yes I beat myself up for poor judgment, i.e. I should have known better.  Yes I beat myself up for not trying hard enough or been more careful.  All those feelings come from a place of expectation of perfection.  I don't hold other people to such standards then why should I do so for myself?

So all roads lead to loving myself, to not pass negative judgment on myself, to be lovingly compassionate with myself, and to give myself grace.  The metaphor of being a child of God is a good image to help remind myself to do all that.

Where is the Love?

[click on this link] Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway's version

I read somewhere we only come from two places in our behavior; love or fear.
From my reading about Near Death Experiences that one of the common takeaways from those who come back from the dead is that our sole purpose and focus in our life is to love.
The other thing that sticks with me about this subject is the only thing I remember from Neale Donald Walsch's book, "Conversations With God" (which came out in 1999?) was that our purpose in life is to remember our own perfection.  In other words, basically it does come down to love.

Now, that's all well in good but Love, with a capital "L" is a BIG concept and subject to wide interpretation (in my humble opinion).  The Greek language has 6 words for love.  So why the hell am I writing about this abstract concept?  It is because I want to get clarity on how I can best live my life.  I want to live.  I want to live fully and deeply.  I see the path to this goal is to be In Love.  Not the romantic, gooey, stars in my eyes kind of In Love but fully incorporate Love within my entire being and live from there.  But first, I need to determine what the hell is that.

So this blog is my stab in exploring what that means, not in "concept" but in practice, in guidelines, in principle, in vision, in something that I can point to in order to live by.

Right now, I believe that this abstract concept of Love with a capital "L" is compassion.  Compassion to me is allowing the other to be who they are without negative judgement or at least with some understanding on the "why" of the behavior.  I do this with my dog when he does something that gets me angry.  I work on doing this even with Donald Trump by reminding myself that he is a lost soul coming from fear and pain which results in anger.  I am pained that people like him that spread pain, fear, and harm to those around him.  Still this is my challenge, my spiritual journey.  I believe if I can truly love all then I have peace.

I ran across this haunting and amazing [click on this link] choir song that captures the essence of the struggle of Love-ing.  I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining.  I believe in love even when I don’t feel it.  I believe in God even when He is silent.

Of course, love starts for our own selves first. [click on this link]  Keb Mo' You Can Love Yourself  Another word for Love is Acceptance.  Accepting myself is Love to me.  I have this view of who I am that I can always do better.  There is a difference between who I am and what I do.  However for most, those two are intertwined if not being the same thing.  I do not dwell on whether I'm "good enough."  I focus on being "OK" with who I am.  I focus on getting to that place within which is Peace.

Love is a verb.  Love is a process.  Love is an attitude.  Love is a state of being.

I have people around me who practice that.  Love begets love.  I am blessed that I have such support and circle of friends and family who reinforces on what Love means.  I believe that who I attract in my life is an indicator of my spiritual health.  I'm on my way.

I'm putting the Suck into Success

Success
I wonder about that, this success thing.  This is what we all been exhorted to seek, to achieve, to be admired for.  This is supposedly what is our purpose in life to become.  This is what people eulogize when we are gone.  The slippery thing about it though is that we can damn well define it any way we want.  It's like painting the bullseye around the already shot arrow.

Success is something we measure, quantify, qualitatively define.  This is society's metric for a life well lived.  This is what should drive us.  This is what we should be setting our goals for.  This is the destination for our journey.

I have struggled mightily to look at how my life is with this success thing.  Yes, I can self-justify and rationalize that my life is successful by virture of how my amazing children are.  I don't buy that.  That implies that their mother, their teachers, their friends and many others had no hand in them becoming who they are.  Plus not to mention their own beautiful personality, character, and intelligence that helped make them who they are.  No, my children are not is something that I call a success of my own though I do take credit in my part in their lives.

I look around me, toward my friends.  I see those who are following their heart, their own path. A lot of them don't have college degrees. Those who have them aren't working in the field of their major.

R is a book store clerk and was a Union organizer.  A was a long time massage therapist, now a food blogger.  C was in sales and now an author and a teacher.  C has her own adult care business with a side hustle of alternative farming.  T is an international traveler with a doctorate is a trainer, teacher, and consultant who practices her talents to various schools and agencies.  M has a Master's in Organizational Development who worked for Intel for almost a score and is now on a journey of self actualization and discovery while living in Madrid.  M has a Master's in psychology and counseling and he has his own business in organizing other people's spaces  A has her own spiritual products store and a singer.  M is a retired business owner whose business helped children who have struggled getting a traditional high school education.  L has been focused on being a great mother and trying to find her way to financially sustain herself now.  J has a dog walking business who also is an artist/painter.  S was working for a print shop and now is focused on her health.  B is a therapist who has done that for over twenty years. F is a customer service rep for a large utility company but her true love is her art.  For the most part, what they are doing is not easy financially for them. There are others but I see this pattern of those in my life who are struggling to live their lives with integrity and happiness.


I wonder if they consider themselves a success?   What about me?  For someone who hated school since grammar school, I have two Master's degrees.  I find that highly ironic.  I am someone who has not been able to hold onto a job my entire life for more than 3 years.  That is another irony for I wanted to follow in my Father's footsteps by staying in one company until I could retire.  He did that but at a price.  He absolutely hated his Government job and soon after he retired, he died.  I am someone who is still looking for what truly brings me joy. I was a janitor in my 40s.  I did so with the chagrin of knowing how my parents worked hard and gave such a stellar education so I could live a better life than them. Right now I am a security guard walking the beat three times a day, 8 miles a day.  And no, this is not my dream job. I am not ashamed of this but I know this is not what I am meant to do on this planet.

Should I even go along with society and measure myself against the yardstick of success? https://longreads.com/2019/09/06/the-myth-of-making-it/?utm_source=pocket-newtab If I don't then that would another chicken shit way of avoiding  failure? My short answer is "no" I rather not use this descriptor as who I am.  However I do dwell on how I can make the world a better place.  What the f**k does that mean or look like?  For me, it means being able to help people help themselves.  This is what I have honed in on what my Life's Purpose looks like  Can this be measured?  Quantified? Unlikely.

I am rejecting this descriptor, this measure of a man for myself.  Rather I would rather work on how I can practice being a more compassionate human who leverages my talents in helping those around me to help themselves, to heal themselves, to feel more loved.  I see this as my legacy.

“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” ― Rumi