June 21 2020

It's Sunday and I'm still stressed about my job.  There is no real reason why I should be but our minds create our own reality.  Right now my baggage and my self awareness of my limitations are creating this story of failure.  I don't like that.  There is this Negativity Bias principle where you need at least 3 good things to offset the bad experience.  I've not been getting enough good things at work to offset my angst and fears.

I really work on creating good things in my life.  I seek out friends and having connecting conversations and visits with them in order to uplift myself, to validate myself, to feel more inspired.  I am aware of my limitations at work.  Somehow this positive experience outside of work does not offset this sense of failure.

I crave the weekends though it seems almost every weekend I feel obligated to check my email to see what is in store for me on Monday or what I missed from Friday.  This sense of dread does not serve me in fully relaxing.  I still drink in order to alleviate my anxiety and fear.

I think how I am disconnected from my body and don't have a full range of emotions, that I judge myself as not able to fully immerse myself in joy or happiness.  This is the downside of numbing my fears.  But you know what?  I'd rather have it that way.  I have trained myself to be ok being unhappy.  I had modeled feeling that way by my parents.  Both parents learned to moderate their expectations for a happy life.  They forgotten how to be happy from those hard experiences they had to go through.  I learned that was the way to deal with life.  This is how I am now.

I suspect that ultimately does not serve me but facing the pain is more scary than any upside that I can envision.