June 19 2020 Semi Automatic writing

I've been told again and again over the years that having a daily writing practice helps me.  I believe in that as well.
https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-08-31/the-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing

Automatic writing, Morning Pages, whatever you want to call it.  It's therapy. It's a spiritual practice.  It's putting down our ego and uncovering a bit of ourselves that normally keeps hiddent.

I feel like I'm running on empty.  I am running away. I lost discipline in my eating and exercise.  I am drinking to deal with the pain.  I lost the care for myself.  I lost hope in creating a more peaceful and fulfilling life without the fear of being living on the edge of poverty or at least a very reduced lifestyle.  I am tried of worrying about that financial part of my life.  I am feel more and more at a loss about my life, my lack of accomplishment, my not being able to make a mark in this world with my talents.  I am tried of my lack of passion, lack of life energy.  I'm at the denouement of my life.  I fighting it for I have not done what I am came here to do.  I am also giving up.  I feel spent in this long, long hard effort on the back end of my life where decades of trying has not moved the needle.

Yes, I have had many, many blessings.  I know that on our death beds that it is not the accomplishments that we will be remembered by or that we wish we had more of but the people in our life who love us.  I believe we all can have it all.  I really want both.  I see that accomplishment looks like having my talents combined with my heart manifest into something tangible that is recognized by people who experienced me and it.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it despite that I have tried and tried over and over not to hold onto that definition of a well lived life.  I totally believe that this is in alignment of who I need to be and do. I keep on bumping up into sadness and yearning by not having this manifest as my reality, my experience.