It's Sunday and I'm still stressed about my job. There is no real reason why I should be but our minds create our own reality. Right now my baggage and my self awareness of my limitations are creating this story of failure. I don't like that. There is this Negativity Bias principle where you need at least 3 good things to offset the bad experience. I've not been getting enough good things at work to offset my angst and fears.
I really work on creating good things in my life. I seek out friends and having connecting conversations and visits with them in order to uplift myself, to validate myself, to feel more inspired. I am aware of my limitations at work. Somehow this positive experience outside of work does not offset this sense of failure.
I crave the weekends though it seems almost every weekend I feel obligated to check my email to see what is in store for me on Monday or what I missed from Friday. This sense of dread does not serve me in fully relaxing. I still drink in order to alleviate my anxiety and fear.
I think how I am disconnected from my body and don't have a full range of emotions, that I judge myself as not able to fully immerse myself in joy or happiness. This is the downside of numbing my fears. But you know what? I'd rather have it that way. I have trained myself to be ok being unhappy. I had modeled feeling that way by my parents. Both parents learned to moderate their expectations for a happy life. They forgotten how to be happy from those hard experiences they had to go through. I learned that was the way to deal with life. This is how I am now.
I suspect that ultimately does not serve me but facing the pain is more scary than any upside that I can envision.
This is about my questions on living in the real world while trying to walk that spiritual path. My personal blog, diary, journal, notebook so I can explore my inner and outer life (and hopefully match the two together).
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Saturday, June 20, 2020
June 19 2020 Semi Automatic writing
I've been told again and again over the years that having a daily writing practice helps me. I believe in that as well.
https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-08-31/the-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing
Automatic writing, Morning Pages, whatever you want to call it. It's therapy. It's a spiritual practice. It's putting down our ego and uncovering a bit of ourselves that normally keeps hiddent.
I feel like I'm running on empty. I am running away. I lost discipline in my eating and exercise. I am drinking to deal with the pain. I lost the care for myself. I lost hope in creating a more peaceful and fulfilling life without the fear of being living on the edge of poverty or at least a very reduced lifestyle. I am tried of worrying about that financial part of my life. I am feel more and more at a loss about my life, my lack of accomplishment, my not being able to make a mark in this world with my talents. I am tried of my lack of passion, lack of life energy. I'm at the denouement of my life. I fighting it for I have not done what I am came here to do. I am also giving up. I feel spent in this long, long hard effort on the back end of my life where decades of trying has not moved the needle.
Yes, I have had many, many blessings. I know that on our death beds that it is not the accomplishments that we will be remembered by or that we wish we had more of but the people in our life who love us. I believe we all can have it all. I really want both. I see that accomplishment looks like having my talents combined with my heart manifest into something tangible that is recognized by people who experienced me and it.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it despite that I have tried and tried over and over not to hold onto that definition of a well lived life. I totally believe that this is in alignment of who I need to be and do. I keep on bumping up into sadness and yearning by not having this manifest as my reality, my experience.
https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-08-31/the-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing
Automatic writing, Morning Pages, whatever you want to call it. It's therapy. It's a spiritual practice. It's putting down our ego and uncovering a bit of ourselves that normally keeps hiddent.
I feel like I'm running on empty. I am running away. I lost discipline in my eating and exercise. I am drinking to deal with the pain. I lost the care for myself. I lost hope in creating a more peaceful and fulfilling life without the fear of being living on the edge of poverty or at least a very reduced lifestyle. I am tried of worrying about that financial part of my life. I am feel more and more at a loss about my life, my lack of accomplishment, my not being able to make a mark in this world with my talents. I am tried of my lack of passion, lack of life energy. I'm at the denouement of my life. I fighting it for I have not done what I am came here to do. I am also giving up. I feel spent in this long, long hard effort on the back end of my life where decades of trying has not moved the needle.
Yes, I have had many, many blessings. I know that on our death beds that it is not the accomplishments that we will be remembered by or that we wish we had more of but the people in our life who love us. I believe we all can have it all. I really want both. I see that accomplishment looks like having my talents combined with my heart manifest into something tangible that is recognized by people who experienced me and it.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it despite that I have tried and tried over and over not to hold onto that definition of a well lived life. I totally believe that this is in alignment of who I need to be and do. I keep on bumping up into sadness and yearning by not having this manifest as my reality, my experience.
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