I used the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication model of identifying my needs and the negative emotions that came out of those unmet needs with the behavior specific request. My needs of respect, acknowledgment, and consideration were not met when J stopped responding to my texts and voice mails. I told him that I felt confused, hurt and angry from those unmet needs. I requested that he acknowledge his part in this stoppage of communication. I requested closure. I was not so much looking for his reasons for ending our relationship but more of him informing me that he no longer wanted to be my friend and that he is stopping any more communication with me.
I have learned that more often than not, I have experienced people rather just stop returning my texts, emails and phone calls without telling me why. This behavior baffles me. My view of people that I have met is that they theoretically adhere to the Golden Rule. I brought that up with J who thinks of himself as a moral, honest, kind man who is courteous to people around him. How would you like it if a friend of several years with whom we have been vulnerable with each other and shared hard and joyful experiences together suddenly drops out of your life without explanation?
I see this from more than one person who has entered and exited from my life. It pains me. Sure I deal with it by saying to myself that they don't want to deal with difficult emotions or explain them. I can see that almost everyone I meet are prone to avoid confrontation which shows itself to passive-aggressiveness and lack of integrity. I try to deal with my pain and anger by employing spiritual solutions of letting go of expectations for respect and an attachment to people behaving a certain way. I know the Buddhist view of why we suffer is because of we don't acknowledge the impermanence of things, like friendships.
I also experience people telling me that they will do something, e.g. call me back, do something for me, or follow up on something but they never do. I come to expect this kind of untruth. They may have the best of intentions but, well you know the saying about the path to hell. This is another learning for being attached. I believe that there is a Twelve Step saying that "expectations are pre-meditated resentments." It is easier to not believe the promiser in these instances of them telling me that they will do something for or with me.
I define Integrity as practicing your moral values. I value honesty. I value that when I tell people I will do something then they can trust me that I will. I value being reliable, for myself and for others. I only set goals for myself if I know that I will work on achieving them and have a reasonable chance that I will. This is being reliable to myself.
This values of being honest and reliable along with communicating with clarity, honesty and compassion are very important to me because connecting with people and developing close relationships are important to me. I keep being reminded that we are all different, that people have different beliefs and different values and different ways of behaving. I am reminded that most people do not have the wherewithal to actually live with integrity. Moral convenience and avoidance of adherence to core values can be difficult and easier to not live that way.
I do not claim to be the paragon of virtue and I can readily admit to my shortcomings and lack of consistency in living according to my core values. I do know that this is very important to my day-to-day way of living and it still pains me that to expect this in most people who I meet.
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