I'm putting the Suck into Success

Success
I wonder about that, this success thing.  This is what we all been exhorted to seek, to achieve, to be admired for.  This is supposedly what is our purpose in life to become.  This is what people eulogize when we are gone.  The slippery thing about it though is that we can damn well define it any way we want.  It's like painting the bullseye around the already shot arrow.

Success is something we measure, quantify, qualitatively define.  This is society's metric for a life well lived.  This is what should drive us.  This is what we should be setting our goals for.  This is the destination for our journey.

I have struggled mightily to look at how my life is with this success thing.  Yes, I can self-justify and rationalize that my life is successful by virture of how my amazing children are.  I don't buy that.  That implies that their mother, their teachers, their friends and many others had no hand in them becoming who they are.  Plus not to mention their own beautiful personality, character, and intelligence that helped make them who they are.  No, my children are not is something that I call a success of my own though I do take credit in my part in their lives.

I look around me, toward my friends.  I see those who are following their heart, their own path. A lot of them don't have college degrees. Those who have them aren't working in the field of their major.

R is a book store clerk and was a Union organizer.  A was a long time massage therapist, now a food blogger.  C was in sales and now an author and a teacher.  C has her own adult care business with a side hustle of alternative farming.  T is an international traveler with a doctorate is a trainer, teacher, and consultant who practices her talents to various schools and agencies.  M has a Master's in Organizational Development who worked for Intel for almost a score and is now on a journey of self actualization and discovery while living in Madrid.  M has a Master's in psychology and counseling and he has his own business in organizing other people's spaces  A has her own spiritual products store and a singer.  M is a retired business owner whose business helped children who have struggled getting a traditional high school education.  L has been focused on being a great mother and trying to find her way to financially sustain herself now.  J has a dog walking business who also is an artist/painter.  S was working for a print shop and now is focused on her health.  B is a therapist who has done that for over twenty years. F is a customer service rep for a large utility company but her true love is her art.  For the most part, what they are doing is not easy financially for them. There are others but I see this pattern of those in my life who are struggling to live their lives with integrity and happiness.


I wonder if they consider themselves a success?   What about me?  For someone who hated school since grammar school, I have two Master's degrees.  I find that highly ironic.  I am someone who has not been able to hold onto a job my entire life for more than 3 years.  That is another irony for I wanted to follow in my Father's footsteps by staying in one company until I could retire.  He did that but at a price.  He absolutely hated his Government job and soon after he retired, he died.  I am someone who is still looking for what truly brings me joy. I was a janitor in my 40s.  I did so with the chagrin of knowing how my parents worked hard and gave such a stellar education so I could live a better life than them. Right now I am a security guard walking the beat three times a day, 8 miles a day.  And no, this is not my dream job. I am not ashamed of this but I know this is not what I am meant to do on this planet.

Should I even go along with society and measure myself against the yardstick of success? https://longreads.com/2019/09/06/the-myth-of-making-it/?utm_source=pocket-newtab If I don't then that would another chicken shit way of avoiding  failure? My short answer is "no" I rather not use this descriptor as who I am.  However I do dwell on how I can make the world a better place.  What the f**k does that mean or look like?  For me, it means being able to help people help themselves.  This is what I have honed in on what my Life's Purpose looks like  Can this be measured?  Quantified? Unlikely.

I am rejecting this descriptor, this measure of a man for myself.  Rather I would rather work on how I can practice being a more compassionate human who leverages my talents in helping those around me to help themselves, to heal themselves, to feel more loved.  I see this as my legacy.

“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” ― Rumi